First Man Jokes

No dogs allowed here A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him…

Three men were sitting together... bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders …

Three men who have just died arrive at the Pearly Gates... ...And are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them "Welcome to Heaven. Before I can let you in, you each must tell me how you died." The first man approaches Saint Peter and begins to tell him his story. "I had good reason to think that my wife was cheating with me while I was at work, so today I came home early and went to my 50th floor apartment to confront her. She was surprised to see me, but she insisted that nobody else was ther…

A bartender is closing down his bar A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation. As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it’s worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what’s got them down. As it turns …

The Job Interview Three men were sitting in the waiting room waiting to be interviewed. The first man was called in. "Mr. Azarov, this is a job opening doing wetwork for the KGB. We need to test your loyalty and your determination. In the next room is your wife. Kill her." The interviewer pushes a pistol across the desk. Mr. Azarov stands up and pushes the pistol back to the interviewer. "I am sorry, but I will not kill my wife." He leaves and the next interviewee comes in. "Mr. Ros…

Three guys are stranded on an island populated with cannibals. The king of the cannibals tells them that there is a way to get out of the island if they accomplish a certain task. So the king says to the three men, "Collect ten of any single type of fruit and bring them to me." The three men quickly get to work and starts looking for fruits. The first man that returns has 10 bananas and offers them to the king. But the king tells him, "It's not over yet. You are to insert all the fruits i…

Dementia Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?" The first man answers, "274." The second man answers, "Tuesday." The third man answers, "Nine." The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?" "Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Three nuns went to a baseball game Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion. "I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man. "20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man. Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should …

Christmas joke! (A little late I know) Three men die on Christmas Day. They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter just feels awful. He says "Alright guys I hate you died on Christmas Day, so to make up for it, I'll let you right in if you have anything on you that has any Christmas symbolism." So the first man checks his pockets and pulls out a lighter. St. Peter asks, "What is that supposed to symbolize?" The 1st man replies, "It's a Christmas candle." St. Peter acknowledges it and let's him t…

Heard this at bible camp some years ago Three nuns are praying to God one day, and God actually answers back. He says "I'm going to ask each of you a question and if you answer correctly you will go to heaven." So he asks the first nun, "who was the first man on earth?" She thinks for a minute and answers, "Adam." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the second nun, "who was the first woman on earth?" She thinks for minute and answers, "Eve." Bells and chimes ring and s…

Roses An elderly couple are having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen to do some washing up. The two elderly guys were chatting, and one says, "Last night we went out to an amazing new restaurant that I'd, personally, recommend." The other man says, "Oh, really? What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, I'm drawing a blank. What is the name of that red flower you give to s…

What is the name of that restaurant? An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You kn…

Three Nuns cross the road... They get hit by a bus, die and go to heaven. They reach the pearly gates and St. Peter is there waiting for them. As they line up, St. Peter says "Right ladies, in order for you to get into heaven you must answer a question each." The Nuns nod and agree. St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks "Who was the first man on earth?" the first nun replies "That's easy, Adam!" "Correct, collect your wings and halo and come on in" St. Peter turns to the second nun and a…

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW) 3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the moment are closed. The man says to them "Welcome, my friends, to the Pearly Gates. My names is Peter, and I am the gatekeeper". The nuns, thinking that t…

Job opening for CIA Assassin The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said, “You can’t be ser…

Three men are standing before a judge. The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said. "That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested. "I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested. "I'm Bubbles."

3 men in hell One day in hell the devil gets bored, so he decides to try something new. He takes three men who just arrived, and tells them "I'm going to lock you three in separate rooms for 10000 years, you all get to choose one thing to have an unlimited amount of in your room. So what will it be?" A little puzzled the first man steps forward and says "I want to be locked away with the best and most beautiful women." The devil nods his head and sends him to his new room. The second man steps …

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?' 'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts. 'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says. The second man says: ' Well you know... I've had a fling with my secretary. But, I am remorseful'. 'For this sin, you shall drive a golden Ford for all eternity', Saint Peter says. The third man s…

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire... A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers in record time, throws the rest of the full cans up in the air, and shoots each one individually with the gu…

Two Irishmen in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes t…

The Vagrants Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work. "What do you do?", the judge asked the first man. “I’m a cork soaker.” The judge blinked. “Pardon?” “I’m a cork soaker. I worked at a wine bottling plant, soaking corks in water and making sure they fit the wine bottles perfectly when we sealed them up.” “Okay, what about you?”, the judge asked the second man. …

Why did you have to die? A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you m…

Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward. edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man. "Congratulations, your wife had twins!" The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence," he told the doctor. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" Some time later again, the doctor comes out and congratulates the second man. "Congratulations, your …

Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada... They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injuring the hunters. The two men agree to these terms and they are off. The guide drops them off and says he'll be back tomorrow afternoon. The men…

A group of cannibals... A group of cannibals just recently kidnapped three homeless men and took them to a secluded area of the woods. The head cannibal looks at all of the men and says "I order you to go into the woods and come back with ten of the same fruit". The men went off into the woods to look for fruit. Later on two of the men return one with ten apples and one with ten blueberries. The head cannibal says to the two men "If you want to live you have to stick all ten of the fruits you'…