First Man Jokes

A troll is guarding a bridge across a long river. Translated from Polish. 3 men want to cross the bridge. The troll says to go off and come back with their favourite plant. The first man comes back with a tulip. The troll tells the man to shove it up his ass. He does, then crosses the bridge. The second man comes back with a rose. The troll tells him to shove it up his ass. The man starts laughing and crying simultaneously. The troll asks, ""Why are you crying?"" ""Because the thorns hurt,"" the…

2 men sit down for a lunch 2 men sit down for lunch. One man says, ""Hey I have some medication I need to take before we start eating do you mind if I take it right now?"" Second man says, ""No not at all."" The first man starts taking out several amber vials, opens them and puts 1 or 2 tablets in the cap. The second man says, ""So how are you supposed to take these medications?"" the first man replies, ""I take this twice a day, this one three times a day, this one once at lunch, and so on."" T…

Home Depot A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting he sees another man sitting across from him who looks up and asks, ""What are you looking at?"" The first man says, ""Nothing."" At that point, the second man jumps up and beats the shit out of the first man and knocks him out, he then looks at the bartender and says, ""When he wakes up, tell him that was Jujutsu from Japan. The next day, bruised and sore, the man returns to the bar, sees the man who beat him up and approac…

Three nuns die... Three nuns die in a horribly unfortunate communion accident, and appear together at the pearly gates. They begin to confidently stride in and St. Peter appears and holds up his hands ""One minute ladies, but due to a recent resurgence in faith, Heaven is rapidly filling up, so the Big Guy has instituted an entrance exam to control the numbers"" The nuns begin to vehemently protest ""I know, I know,"" says St Peter, ""you dedicated your lives to God, and are all unquestionably d…

Two people were standing in line at the movie theater... This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, ""what the hell are you doing?"" The other man replied, ""I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."" The first man said, ""yeah? Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me f'king the guy in front of me, do you?""

3 men are in a jungle... when they are ambushed by a group of savages. The savages give them a choice; find 10 pieces of one fruit and shove them up their butts without showing any emotion, or get shot. All 3 men, liking their chances, go into the jungle to collect 10 fruits. The first man comes back with 10 strawberries, shoves 6 up his butt, but starts crying. He gets shot and goes to heaven. The second man comes back with 10 blueberries. He shoves 9 up his butt, however right before he can fi…

Three men lived on top a cliff One day, a god said to them, ""my children, jump off the cliff, say what you want to become and you will."" The first man jumped and said ""I want to be an eagle!"" and thus became an eagle. The second man jumped and shouted ""I want to become a whale!"" and thus became a whale. Just as the third man was about to jump, he tripped over a rock. ""Shit!"" he exclaimed, and thus became a miserable turd.

""Would you sleep with your mother to save her life?"" Two friends are approached on the street by a man conducting a psychological survey. He asks one of the men ""Would you sleep with your mother to save her life?"" The first man is appalled, ""I could never do that"" ""What about you?"" The surveyor asks the second man. ""Of course I would!"" He responds enthusiastically. ""What? Really?"" The first main spouts in horror. ""Sure, your Mom is hot""

Chocolate Milk A man is sitting at a bar thinking aloud to himself, he says ""man, I haven't sucked on a good tit in a while"" A man sitting down the bar replies ""well you outta head upstairs bud, theres a woman up there with chocolate breastmilk"" The first man, not believing the seconds words heads upstairs to see if this is true. So here he is, sucking on this womans tit when lo and behold chocolate milk comes out! The man is baffled and decides to call his friend, ""Jim! You gotta get over …

Three men in a Gulag They start talking about how they got into the Gulag in the first place, the first man says ""I was thrown in for being lazy, I never got to work on time."" The second man says ""I was thrown in for always being early for work, they thought I was a spy!"" the third man says ""I was thrown in for having a watch made in the West. ""

A wealthy man dies.... A wealthy man dies and in his will he asked his 3 best friends to hold 10,000 dollars. At his funeral they are supposed to throw the 30k into his coffin before they bury him. At the grave side the three men stand there and each throws in an envelope. Afterwards, they were drinking and the first man starts talking. ""Guys, I'm not going to lie. I just threw in an empty envelope. I have a family and that money would do us a lot of good. I couldn't pass up the opportunity."" …

Space aliens abduct three men. (NSFW) One is a businessman, one is a male nurse and the last one is a fundamentalist preacher. The aliens say to the first man. ""Unga bunga or death!"" The man replies ""I don't know what unga bunga is but I know what death is. So I choose unga bunga."" The whole crew of aliens sodomizes the man and then he is dumped in the forest. He stumbles away. The male is nurse is given the choice. ""Unga bunga or death!"" He finds the sodomy horrifying but still chooses un…

Three Men in the Middle of the Desert There are three men stranded in the middle of the desert. Doomed to waste away without any rescue on the way they are approached by a genie, granting them each a wish, but that wish cannot be to get out of the desert. The first man replies 'Well I wish for enough water and food to last us the entire time we are trapped here, to ensure our survival'. The second man replies ""How about a map, Genie? That way we will surely find a way out of here at some point.…

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, decided to stay with 3 Daughters of.. Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and…

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven Where they are met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, "" you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it. "" this represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter allows the first man through. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "" these are bells."" He says. Peter allows him through also. "" so,"" Peter says to third ma…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They'r…

Three explorers are captured by a local tribe. And the elder tells them we are going to kill you, skin you, and make canoes from your skin. But first we are going to give you a chance. Each of you may request one item from your supplies and we will give you a 1 hour head start before sending out our hunting party. The first person asks for his gun. After an hour the hunting party sets out and 3 hours later some shots are heard, but by the end of the day, the first man is hauled back into the tow…

During a war, three soldiers are captured while fighting abroad... The captors have all three soldiers lined up in front of them, and the captors' leader stepped forward, holding a pistol with one hand while the other hand lays on a Bible on the table next to him. ""Before I execute all of you, I shall allow each of you to make one and only one last request. You cannot change it."" Glancing at the Bible, he swore, ""I swear by the name of Lord that your request shall be fulfilled, for we are hon…

Three men died and went to heaven... ... and met St. Peter at the pearly gates, who was explaining a new reward system to the newcomers. Each person who made it to heaven would receive a vehicle, the quality of which would be determined by how faithful they were to their spouses on Earth. The first man had his fair share of adulterous adventures, and he received a 1992 Toyota Corolla. The second man was pretty faithful, but even he was not loyal throughout his entire life, and he received a bran…

Two men are walking in the woods... and they come across some deer poop. The first man has never seen deer poop before so he asks the second man what it is. The second man says ""these are smart pills if you eat them you become smarter."" The first man picks up the poop and eats it. After tasting the poop the first man says ""I think you tricked me i think you just got me to eat poop!"" The second man says ""look at that you are getting smarter already.""

Two men of African American descent are standing on the edge of a dock, peeing into the lake. The first man says, ""Water's cold today huh?"" The second one replies, ""Yeah...and deep too.""

100 lashes These three men were arrested and forced to get 100 lashes. The executioner let them each have one thing to stop their pain. The first man says I would like a pillow on my back. The second man says I want the lashes to be weak. The last man says I want 1000 lashes. The executioner looks surprised until the third man finished his sentence: with my mother in law strapped to my back

Genie confusion Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies ""Yes I do!"" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies ""Oh I have a personal genie."" The first man asks ""Can I make a wish? "" Sure says the other man ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Ok I will"" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears an…

A plane crashed on an island... ... and there were only 3 survivors. After wandering the island, the 3 survivors ran into a native tribe. The tribe said ""If you can fit 10 of any fruit up your ass without making a sound, you will become the leader of our tribe, but if you make a sound, we will cook you and eat you. The first man chooses apples, he shoves up 2 apples and starts screaming, the tribe cooks him and eats him. The second man chooses cherries and fits 9 up, but starts howling after th…

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.'' The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.'' The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can …