Religion Jokes

My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today... but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

An extremely racist white trucker is driving down the highway... An extremely racist white trucker is driving down the highway when he spots a priest walking down the shoulder with a gas can. The trucker pulls over and offers to give the priest a ride to the next gas station which is many miles ahead. The priest kindly accepts the offer and off they go. A few minutes later the trucker spots a black man, also walking on the shoulder. The trucker despises black people and decides that he is going …

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... An they see a young boy. The priests says, ""you want to screw him?"" The rabbi says, ""out of what?""

So a Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking in a bar... ...so they're talking and drinking and all of a sudden out of nowhere the Jewish guy hauls off and hits the Chinese guy in the face, knocking him off his bar stool. The Chinese guy is incredulous, ""what the hell was that for?!"" The Jew replies, ""that was for Pearl Harbor!"" The Chinese guy, eager to set him straight says, ""That was the Japanese you idiot not the Chinese!"" So the Jew apologizes and they continue drinking. A few minut…

a mother and her three children ""Mom why am i named Petal?"" ""Because when you were born a petal fell on your head."" ""Mom why am i named Rose?"" ""Because when you were born a rose landed on your head."" ""My favorite color's potato."" ""Shut the hell up Brick.""

Salmon and Chef A salmon walks into a restaurant, finds the chef and tells him: Hey, you! You've killed my father! Sure, tells the cook, this is my job. I kill fish, fry them and serve to people. I want you to stop doing this. Dude, this is what I do. If I stop, my family dies from hunger. OK. Let's play chess. If you win - kill me and fry me. If I win - you quit your job. And they started playing chess. Salmon wins, and the cook takes his knife, cuts salmon's belly and starts to dress it…

A Very Nice Golfer There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer. The man next to him says, ""Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!"" The man stands up says ""Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years...""

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down a path in the forest, when she comes across the big bad wolf crouched behind a log. ""oh Mr. Wolf what big eyes you have"" she said. The big bad wolf jumped up and ran away. She shrugged and continued on her way. A little while later she came across him again this time crouched behind some bushes ""oh Mr. wolf what big ears you have"" he jumped up and ran away again. ""What the hell!"" said little red. she continued on her way. About a mile further in she …

A Scotsman, Englishman, and an American...[#2] Are playing darts in a bar. Along with them is a priest, who is keeping score, and a nun, who is spectating. Before each turn, they are to take a shot of rum. The first one to go is the Scottsman. He takes his shot, and then throws his darts. The priest calls out, ""10, 14, 8"". Next up is the Englishman. After drinking his rum, he goes up and takes his turn. The priest calls out, ""16, 4, 3"". Now is the American's turn. He walks up to the bar, doe…

three guys are on a deserted island... Just recently shipwrecked. As they each regain consciousness they realize they are surrounded by cannibals. The cannibals put each man into a bamboo cage and hold them there over night. The next morning the natives hand each man a palm leaf sack and explain to them that they are to gather a single fruit until the sack is full, then return before sundown or they will be hunted and eaten. The men each set off in differing directions and got started. About mid…

Context is everything ""Jesus loves you!"" A lovely thing to hear in church. Not so much in a Mexican prison.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping... Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end. After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, ""My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"" **EDIT** : Typo

The church across the street opened a new Jesus-themed ferris wheel. Their accountant told me they needed it to turn a prophet.

An engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. ""Come in, come in."" says Peter, ""We can always use another engineer."" But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at Hell to see if he would like to go there instead. St. Peter says ""Sure, why not?"" and sends him down for a look. The engineer sees the fiery pits and the swamps and the heat …

I heard this one from a friend... A blonde enters a parallel universe where the Aryan's are considered a minority. She walks into an appliance store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says ""I'd like that TV please."" The cashier replies ""Sorry, we don't serve blondes."" The next day, she woke up, filled her hair with charcoal, and went to the same store and asked the same man for the same TV. ""Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."" The next day, she got up, went to the hair salon, get…

A priest, a thief, and a soldier. (Long) A thief, a priest, and a soldier were all in a plane that's about to crash. They each decide to drop something so they can look for it just in case they survive. The priest drops a bible, the thief drops a knife, and the soldier drops a grenade. The plane crashes, and, miraculously, they survive. They go their separate ways and begin to search for their items. The priest is walking around and see's a little girl crying. He says ""Little lady, why are you …

Heaven vs. Hell In Heaven, you get a French lover, an English butler, a German housekeeper, and an Italian cook. In Hell, you get a German lover, a French butler, an Italian housekeeper, and an English cook.

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk... He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk. The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as ever, Lee accepts, and begins his career as a Buddhist monk. That night, Lee is s…

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive) and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says ""let's screw him"" to which the Rabbi replies ""out of what?""

Two rabbis are at temple... Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, ""Lord, I am nothing!"", and with a deep breath, he sat back down. The second rabbi, feeling a similar rush of soul stirring, stood up, and with his hands clasped over his head and his eyes shut tight, proclaimed cal…

God will save me! A priest was on a cruise ship when the ship began to sink quite suddenly. Being a man who puts others before himself, he finds the smallest piece of driftwood that would support his weight, grabs hold of it and floats in the middle of the ocean. 15 minutes go by and along comes a rubber dinghy, almost full and the ship's captain on-board. The captain offered to take the missionary on but he refused, saying ""My dear child, please find someone else to fill my spot; the good Lord…

So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist... ...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. ""Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got crabs."" With a look of panic on her face, she says ""That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?"" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, ""Sorry sister, they're not crabs. They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!""

A man with crutches walks into a church... he dips one arm in Holy Water and throws the crutch away. Then he proceeds to do this with the other arm. Astounded, two boys run to tell the priest what happened. ""Boys, you just witnessed a miracle"", he said.""Show me this man so I may bless him; where is he?"" The boys replied, ""Flat on his ass in the back of the church.""

Mrs. Smith is having trouble with her husband falling asleep in church... ... and it was really embarrassing for her to be seen with him constantly nodding off. So Mrs. Smith asks the preacher before Sunday service if he has any ideas for her. He thinks about it, then hands her a pin and says, ""Every time I signal you with this gesture, poke your husband with this pin."" Mrs. Smith acknowledged his instructions and sat down with her husband for the service. Shortly into the sermon, Mr. Smith ha…

Cowboy and a Priest So a redneck cowboy is driving down the road in his truck, in a rush to get to his girlfriends house. All of a sudden he sees a priest on the side of the road hitchhiking. ""Ahh shit!"" says the cowboy, ""no matter how big of a rush Im in, i can't leave a priest out here hitchhiking"" So the Cowboy pulls over and lets the priest in the car. ""Thank you son, it sure is a long way back to the monastery from here"" So the two of them continue down the road making small talk, whe…