Religion Jokes

The Nun and her Abbess A Nun was living in an abbey and had taken a vow of silence. After living there for a year the Abbess calls her to her office and says. ""You have been silent for one year now. I lift your vow so that you may speak one sentence."" the Nun thinks for a moment and says. ""My floor is too cold"" The Abbess nods and thanks the Nun letting her get back to her duties. Another year goes by and again the Abbess summons the Nun to her office. ""You have lived, and worked among us f…

To be part of the clan... A man is looking for a radical life change. After considerable thought, he decides to move to the freezing regions of Alaska, to live with the Eskimos. He leaves soon afterwards. He really enjoys his time there. He seems to be getting along with everyone, and has learned to adapt to the harsh climate. And though he's friendly with everyone, he isn't ever considered their equals. This eats at him for a while. He decides he must earn the eskimo's respect if he is to survi…

Honk if you love Jesus Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a ""Honk if you love Jesus"" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just…

Where Is God? Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just…

Zebra Joke! So a zebra was confused one day about whether he is a horse that's black with whites stripes or white with black stripes. He goes to his priest and asks him. He says, ""only God knows. Go and pray to find the answer."" The zebra goes and pray about it and God said, ""You are what you are."" Well this confused the zebra so he asked again and got the same answer. He proceeded to try one more time and did indeed get the answer, ""You are what you are."" So, the zebras tells the priest t…

Parish priest A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. ""I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told…

Women are like Siberian Tigers... They're both very pretty to look at, and you can have a lot of fun with each IF they're unconscious, but if its a live one, keep it the *hell* away from me.

Blonde Cookbook! MONDAY: The recipe for today is angel food cake. You have to beat 12 eggs separately, so I'm lucky the neighbors had some extra bowls to let me borrow. TUESDAY: Fruit salad supper, serve without dressing. I didn't get dressed at all, as per recipe, and what a surprise when my boyfriend brought his friends home for supper. WEDNESDAY: Rice pilaf, wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. I took a good bath and washed very thoroughly, even between my toes. The taste of the rice was…

Going Down A rabbi, priest, and minister die on the same day, and find that they are standing in an elevator with a seemingly silent elevator man who doesn't speak. The 3 men agree that since they all tried their best in life, the elevator would soon be moving upwards. Suddenly, it was as though the elevator cables were cut, because they begin hurling downwards. The elevator slows and stops, the door slides open, and there's a bunch of red-hot lava in a huge vat with people screaming for mercy. …

there's a walrus walking down the street. A man stops and asks him"" where the hell you goin?"" The walrus said"" to a Tupperware party."" The man, bewildered, asked "" Why?"" To which the walrus replied "" heard I might find a tight seal.""

An Italian man, a Jewish man, and a gay man go to Heaven An Italian man, a Jewish man, and a gay man all die and go to Heaven. When they approach the Pearly Gates they beg St. Peter to give them a second chance. St. Peter agrees under one condition. They must never give in to their favorite things ever again. The three men agree and are sent back down to Earth. While walking down the street enjoying their new found lives they come across a pizzeria. Italian: Oh my God! I never thought I would ta…

So I see this man about to jump of a bridge (from a comment in /r/xkcd) I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: ""Stop. Don't do it."" ""Why shouldn't I?"" he asked. ""Well, there's so much to live for!"" ""Like what?"" ""Are you religious?"" He said, ""Yes."" I said, ""Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"" ""Christian."" ""Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"" ""Protestant."" ""Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptis…

Heaven and Hell ""Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians."" Bonus: ""Canada could have had it all. They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture. Instead, they ended up with French technology, British cuisine, and American culture.""

Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences... The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, ""We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."" The second guy says, ""Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."" The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. ""What the hell are they for?"" ask the first two guys. ""Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these.""

A Rabbi, a priest, and a holy roller walk onto a car lot. After much searching, they all find the car of their dreams. Perfect color, size, gas mileage, and price. They tell the salesman what they want, but he informs them that there is only one of these cars on the lot, and they have no idea when they will get another shipment. The priest has an idea. ""We will let God decide! Let us each bless the car, and God will then choose one of us and let us buy it!"" They all agree to this, so the pries…

A zebra meets God. All his life the zebra always wondered whether he was a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes. He thought about this often but never came to an answer. Well, one day while he was out and about, he was shot by a hunter. When he arrived to heaven, he was face to face with Saint Peter. Realizing where he was, the zebra asked Saint Peter if he could as God a question. Before he knew it, the zebra was face to face with God. ""What is the question you w…

A priest at a wedding. A priest was preparing to perform a wedding, when the bride comes up to him and asks him: ""Father, what is the church's opinion of fellatio?"" The priest answers: ""Well, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately I do not know what fellatio is."" So the bride-to-be showed him what it is. And ever since that day, whenever someone asked him what the church's opinion was of fellatio, he always responded: ""Well, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately I do not know what fellat…

An American, an Englishman, and a Polish man were driving in the desert... All of a sudden, the car breaks down. The Englishman says he seen a gas station sign a ways back. So the three decide to troop back to the gas station and see if they have a tow truck. They each grab one item from the car for the long hike. The Englishman takes case of beer, the American takes a bunch of candy bars, and the Pole takes the driver side door. After about a mile of walking the Pole says,""Hey English, why did…

The Two Nuns and the Blind man. There were once two nuns taking a bath together when all of a sudden they hear a knock at the door. ""Who is it?"" yells out one of the nuns. ""It's me, the blind man."" replies the man at the door. ""Ok, come on up."" calls the second nun. A short moment later, they heard the footsteps up the staircase and soon the door to the bathroom opened. ""Oh, hello Sisters. I like your new towels. Now where do you want the blinds?"" Bu dum tss

A man gets knocked down outside a parish... ... the parish priest runs out and sees the man in great pain, he also notices the wedding band on the man's ring ringer. He says to him: ""Tell me your name and I will tell your wife"", the man replies: ""She already knows it""

Two nuns are riding their bikes somewhere... One of the nuns says ""I've never come this way before!"" Other nun says ""Must be the cobblestones.""

Jew jokes A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, ""Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?'' The wise old Rabbi answers: ""Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

What is your best practical joke that only you, now reddit, knows about. Warning Wall of Text! Sometimes jokes are best when only you know about them. [Andy Kaufman](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Clifton) was king of these. My jokee was an unsuspecting neighbor. I had Dish Network service and one of the remote controls was an RF remote meaning that you didn't have to be line of sight in order for it to work. My very new neighbor recently got Dish Network installed, I saw them putting up the …

Gentlemen...BEHOLD! Puns. What do you call a cool mushroom?...A fun guy!!! A neutron walks into a bar. ""I'd like a beer"" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ""How much will that be?"" asks the neutron. ""For you?"" replies the bartender, ""no charge"" A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Across the room he see's a panda bear eating a large pile of bamboo. Upon finishing the bamboo a waiter comes to the pandas table. The panda then shoots the waiter in the head, gets u…

Stop saying: ""That's what she said"" and say ""... said the priest to his lawyer"" instead