Religion Jokes

The Zebra in Heaven. My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share. A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter. ""Welcome to Heaven."" said Saint peter. ""Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!"" said the zebra. ""Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy."" Peter told him. ""Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with wh…

A Jew and a Chinese man walk into a bar After a while of drinking the Jewish man punches the Chinese man right in the face. ""What was that for!"" replies the Chinese man. ""That was for pearl harbor"" he quickly replies. Offended the Chinese man says ""You idiot! that was the Japanese! I am Chinese!"" The Jewish man says ""ehhh, Japanese, Chinese... same thing"" They continue to drink and then all of the sudden The Chinese man punches the Jew and says ""That's for Titanic."" The Jewish man furi…

The Tribs There is a land where Jewish people known as the Tribs live. Now, there is a giant that lives in a big castle over the hill next to the Trib city, and any time the giant sees a Trib, he kicks it and sends the Trib flying across the land. The Tribs got fed up with this, so they went to their Rabbi and told him to journey to the giant's castle to get him to stop kicking Tribs. So the Rabbi journeys to the giants castle, musters up some courage, and knocks on the door. A few seconds later…

Bungee Jumping Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. ""You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."" The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at…

Two Jews, Saul and Moshe, hear that their friend has died. The funeral is the next day at 3. Saul, ever stylish, immediately realizes that ""we need black suits!"" and the two run to the tailor, Pinkus. Moshe is beyond himself, whining about how ""there's nothing to be done unless you help us Pinkus, we need black suits by tomorrow afternoon, but there's no time-"" ""Don't worry,"" interrupts Pinkus, ""I'll measure you both and the suits will be ready by tomorrow at 8am. And cheap."" And wouldn'…

i talked to your wife... a guy goes to his rabbi, and says, ""I think my wife is trying to poison me. What do I do?"" The rabbi says, ""Let me talk to her. Don't worry."" A week later, the rabbi contacts the man. ""I spoke to your wife for more than 3 hours...take the poison."" [credit to dinner party download: http://www.publicradio.org/columns/dinnerpartydownload/]

A doctor and his wife were having lunch... ...and a beautiful young woman walks by and winks at the doctor suggestively. She cooes, ""How's it goin', doc?"" and walks away, hips swaying. The wife, confused, asks, ""Who was that, dear?"" The doctor took a sip of his wine and said casually, ""That's my mistress Arielle."" The wife was shocked and in tears. ""I can't believe you're cheating on me! I'm going to divorce you and take everything you have, you lying bastard!"" The husband calmly puts hi…

The Pastor's New Teeth The Pastor goes to the dentist to get a new set of false teeth. On the first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. On the second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. But the following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what had happened to cause that. The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 mi…

Two men were working on a construction site... ...It is a 5 story building, one man is working on the roof, and the other on the ground. The man on the roof realizes he needs his hacksaw but is already in his harness and cannot go down to get it. Knowing thism he tries to yell down to his co-worker on the ground to bring it up for him, he gets the mans attention but the man can't make out what he's saying. The man on the roof decides to motion what he needs, so he moves his hand back and forth l…

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, ""How long is 10 million years to you?"" God replied, ""One second."" The next day the preacher asked God, ""God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"" And God replied, ""A penny."" Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, ""God, can I have one of your pennies?"" And God replied, ""Just wait a sec.""

Poor Boy A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out. A Catholic priest happens to walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, ""Whats wrong, my child?"" ""My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and I have no way of getting home!"" The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says ""This really isn't your day is it, my son?""

Socrates' Beloved Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, Now what am I to do with the five thousand Euros we saved for the serviced?' Good Lord, my son, come back; why didn't you say he was Orthodox?'

Pissing on the Porch A man and woman had a couple of children who were in high school, a boy and a girl. Now, the girl was quickly blossoming into a woman and growing quite attractive and popular with the boys. In fact, it seemed like there was a new boy at the front door every evening. One morning after the girl had gotten home particularly late, the mother dragged her out to the front porch so her dad could give her a talking -to. But when they got out there, the family dog was pissing all ove…

The Twelve Inch Pianist A man walks into a bar and sees upon the counter a very small man playing on a very small piano. The man goes up to the bartender and asks, ""Wherever did you find such a man?"" The bartender replies, ""I've got a genie in a bottle. He's in the back, would you wanna see him?"" Enthralled, the man follows the bartender to the genie bottle, and rubs it. The genie appears and belts out to the man, ""I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, AND IT SHALL BE YOURS."" T…

A man is sitting on the couch watching tv when he hears a knock on the door When he goes to answer he sees a snail sitting on the doorstep. Aggravated, he throws the snail to the mailbox and goes back inside. 2 years later the man hears another knock, and answers it. Who is at the door but the same snail as before. He looks up at the man in the door and says ""Bro, what the hell was that about?""

Village Atheist In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic. They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced. The atheist died still …

So three priests are having lunch... and the first priests complains about having bats in his bell tower. ""They just moved in and I can't seem to be able to get them to leave."" The second priest chirps up with the same problem. ""I've had them for 2 years now and nothing I do makes any difference."" Finaly the third priests speaks up after a big bite of his lunch. ""Ya, I use to have that problem too."" ""How did you get rid of them?"" ""I baptized them; now the only come around for Christmas …

A Rabbi and Priest are Walking in Park.. In the midst of their conversation, the priest asks the rabbi, ""Tell me, have you ever, in a moment of weakness, eaten pork?"" and the rabbi says, a little embarrassed, ""Well yes, as a matter of fact I have"". The rabbi then asks the priest, ""Tell me, have you ever, in a moment of weakness, known the touch of a woman?"" The priest, a little embarrassed, says ""Well yes, I have actually"" The rabbi says ""It's a hell of a lot better than pork! Right?""

A philosopher and a priest argue about their beliefs So the priest says to the philosopher condescendingly: ""Look friend, what you're doing is, you're looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that simply isn't there."" The philosopher thinks for a minute, nodding his head, and answers, ""You're right, but I do it almost exactly like you. You too are looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that isn't there - but you then go on and try to make everyo…

So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store... ...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, ""I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."" 'But sir!"" she replied, ""It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..."" and she hands the store owner a letter. Sure enough, it was a message from the mother superior, stating that she was constipated and was going to use the alcohol for medical reasons and a s…

A Jewish guy walks into a confessional... ...and when the priest says, ""What is the problem, my son?"", he responds, in a thick Yiddish accent, ""Father, I've been a good husband for all sixty years of my marriage. I've never had an affair, and I've always tried to make my wife happy."" ""Okay,"" says the priest, ""but then, what exactly is the problem?"" ""Well, Father, last Saturday night I was at a party, and these two Swedish girls came over, took me up to their room and did things to me I'…

nuns have desires too two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of rome. one turns to the other and says, ""i've never come this way before"". the other nun says, ""it's the cobblestones"".

Priest and Rabbi A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, ""Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"" The rabbi responds, ""Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."" The priest then asks, ""Have you ever eaten pork?"" To which the rabbi replies, ""Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."" The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the …

""Jesus loves you."" A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.

I shot my first turkey today! But I scared the hell out of everyone in the meat section.