Goldberg Jokes

#HowToGetABlackGirl Tell her she look like Rihanna even tho she look like whoopi goldberg in the color purple

Goldberg opens a hardware store. To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: ""They used Goldberg's nails."" His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, ""You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"" So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: ""They didn't use Goldberg's nails.""

A Jew and a Chinese man walk into a bar After a while of drinking the Jewish man punches the Chinese man right in the face. ""What was that for!"" replies the Chinese man. ""That was for pearl harbor"" he quickly replies. Offended the Chinese man says ""You idiot! that was the Japanese! I am Chinese!"" The Jewish man says ""ehhh, Japanese, Chinese... same thing"" They continue to drink and then all of the sudden The Chinese man punches the Jew and says ""That's for Titanic."" The Jewish man furi…

A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument... A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument when the Jew rears back and punches the Chinaman in the nose. The Chinaman says, ""What was that for?"" The Jew responds, ""That was for Pearl Harbor you son of a bitch."" The Chinaman looks confused and says, ""Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"" So the Jew says, ""Japanese. Chinese. What's the difference?!"" Then the Chinaman rears back and punches the Jew in the nose. The Jew say…

A rabbi walks into a Chinese bar ...and orders a beer. He chugs it, leans over the counter, and punches the bartender on the nose, saying ""That was for Pearl Harbor!"" The bartender is furious. ""Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese, you idiot! I'm Chinese!"" The rabbi shrugs. ""Ach, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference? Come on, I'll buy you a drink to make up for it."" The bartender nods assent and produces two more beers. He downs his in one gulp, then leans over and punches the rabbi in …

Young man gets hired as a secret agent... He's told to deliver a top secret package to a guy named Goldberg, and given his address. He's told to use the passphrase ""The night-bird sleeps at dawn"" to identify himself. So, he takes a plane, to a train, and then a cab, and finally arrives at the guy's apartment building. He goes up one flight and knocks on the door. Guy answers. ""Are you Mr. Goldberg?"" ""Yeah"". ""The night-bird sleeps at dawn."" ""Ohhhhh you want the other Goldberg. He lives u…

A Chinese man and a Jew are having a conversation. All of a sudden the Jew punches the Chinese man. ""What was that for?"" said the Chinese man. ""Pearl Harbor,"" said the Jew. ""That was the Japanese!"" ""Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"" So they continue on their conversation when the Chinese man kung-fu's the living shit out of the Jew. ""What was that for?"" said the Jew. ""The sinking of the *Titanic!*"" said the Chinese man. ""That was an iceberg!"" ""Iceberg, Goldberg, what's th…

What did Goldberg say when he boarded the wrong train? ""Auschittz.""

Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery There is this very pious Jew named Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery. Every Sabbath, he'd go to synagogue and pray: ""God, I have been such a pious Jew all my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery?"" But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn't win. Week after week, Goldberg would pray to win the lottery, but the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn't win. Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg wails to the heavens and s…

Jewish man and a Chinese man in a conversation... Jewish: I hate You. Chinese: For what? Jewish: Pearl Harbor Chinese: Those were Japanese. I'm a Chinese. Jewish: What's the difference? Chinese: I also hate you for Titanic. Jewish: An iceberg sunk the Titanic. Chinese: Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?

A Jew and Chinese man are arguing... ...when the jewish man says to the Chinese man, ""well you bombed Pearl Harbor!"" The Chinese man replies, ""That wasn't me, it was the Japanese!"" The jewish man says "" Chinese, Japanese, same thing."" The Chinese man then says to the Jewish man, ""well you sank the Titanic!"" Then jewish man replies, ""that wasn't me, it was an iceberg!"" The Chinese man says,""Iceberg Goldberg, same thing.""

What is Chewbaccas favorite celebrity? Wookie Goldberg

Schwartz and Goldberg are two rabbis packing for a trip to Israel Schwartz has all of his clothes and is going to get a duffel bag. He asks Goldberg if he wants to borrow one. Goldberg declines the offer and instead pulls out his wallet made of circumcised foreskins. ""You're putting all of your clothes in a wallet?"" Schwartz asks. Goldberg replies,""Yes, but when I rub it, it becomes a suitcase.""

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, ""So, who's gonna tell his wife?"" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. ""Discreet? I'm the most discre…

Mrs. Goldberg goes to the butcher at least once a week to buy a chicken. She picks it up, pinches it, fondles it, smacks it, then puts her nose in it as if to smell it. Each time she asks ""butcher, Is this chicken fresh?"" Each time the butcher guarentees her that it is as fresh as the day as it is born. One week she came in three times and each time asked for a chicken, went through her ritual: picks it up, pinches it, fondles it, smacks it, then smells it and again asks ""Butcher, is this chi…

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist - $ 300. ""Too expensive"" moans the priest. The protestant florist - $ 250 ""No it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer especially as the price difference is rather small."" But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!! Religion or economics? After much consideration Solly obtains the contract. On Easter Sunday morning Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses az…

Pilot to co-pilot The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co…

Go tell Meyer's wife . . . Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be ge…

Two pilots A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!" "No, no", the co-pilot protests, "…

What's the Difference? A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for t…

A Chinese man and a Jew are talking The Jew says "I still haven't forgiven your people for attacking Pearl Harbor." To which the Chinese man replies, "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese you idiot!" The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" Then the Chinese man says "You know, I haven't forgiven your people for sinking that Titanic." Shocked, the Jew replies "That was an iceberg you idiot!" To which the Chinese man says "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" --- I didn…

Two jews are walking past an evangelical church... When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000" Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!" "Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!" "Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!…

A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name... "I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?" "I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you." Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor." "I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese." "Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me." Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive you people for sinking the Titanic." "I'm Jewish, that was an iceberg." "Goldberg, iceberg, all the same to me."

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation... Before long they're arguing... Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you." Chinese man: "For what?" Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!" Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?" Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you." Jewish man: "For what?!?" Chinese man: "The Titanic!" Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!" Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the dif…

Pilot and Co-Pilot The pilot was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese." The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? WHY is that?" The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. THAT'S why I don't like Chinese!" The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo ...Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That JAPANESE, not Chinese!"…