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A cabbie and a priest die at the same time ... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, ""welcome to heaven good sir!"" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa. Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his chart and says, ""you'll do"" before giving him a somewhat old robe and keys to what looked like an apartment. The priest looks astonished and asks the angel why he

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Celebrate A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, ""We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."" So, he goe

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New Alabama Preacher The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, ""Conway Twitty!"" No, ma'am,"" he replied. ""I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."" She invited him right in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty. Eventually,

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50 bucks is 50 bucks. Lois and Stan have been married for 35 years and every year they go to the state fair when it's in town. This year they have a new ride called 'The Helicopter ride'. $50 for a ride in the helicopter for 25 minutes. Stan really wants to ride it so he asks his wife if they can go. She declines saying that '50 bucks is 50 bucks and we shouldn't spend it on something so frivolous'. He is visibly upset but understands so they go on with the day. The next year they go back and th

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A married couple are awakened one night by a knock on the door Who the hell is that, they both said, so the husband went down to answer. He opened the front door to find an apologetic man. HUSBAND ;"" Its 3 am, what the hell do you want. MAN ;""sorry sir but a need a push"". HUSBAND ;""No"" (closes door). Back in the bedroom he fills his wife in. WIFE;""Go back out and help him, remember that night on our honeymoon in France when our hire cars battery died? What goes around comes around"". So th

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A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates. A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments. ""Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."" ""This is unfair!"" cried the minister. ""Listen,"" Saint Peter said, ""ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen.""

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Bob and Jim. Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, ""After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?"" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, ""Jim, I

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A Russian and a German died and went to hell The Devil greets them and tells them ""You know guys, hell is kind of full right now, so I tell you what: I'll give each of you a dog and three crates of sausage and when I come back a month from now, the one who teaches the dog a better trick can go to purgatory"". A month has passed and the Devil goes to check up on the German. He sees that the dog is quite plump and the man has lost a lot of weight. ""Ok show me your trick"" he says. The German hol

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After hours irish workers Two irish workers, Tom and Paddy, are in a room after being called out to work after hours. Their boss walks in and sees Tom hanging upside down from a ceiling bar. Boss: What're you doin hanging upside down Tom??? Tom: I'm pretending to be a light! Boss: Well get down immediately and go home. You must be crazy! At this point Paddy starts packing his bags. Boss: Paddy, who said you could go?! Paddy: Huh? How the hell am I gonna work with no light?

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Three men are captured by cannibals... Todd, Jim, and Barry are walking through the jungle when they are captured by cannibals. The leader of the cannibal tribe says to them: ""Walk into the jungle and pick 10 of a single fruit."" So, they all go out and do so. Todd and Jim come back at about the same time and the cannibal leader says to them ""Now, if you can fit all ten of the fruit in your ass without making a facial expression we will let you go free."" The Todd, who picked apples, squeezes

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3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke) They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died. The first man steps forward and says,""Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete belo

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A plane crashes and everyone dies And they all go to heaven. But almost everyone on this plane was either fat as can be or ugly as sin and they all had been bullied their entire lives due to this. So god lines everyone up and says ""You've all been good people but were treated terribly during life, so I will grant you one wish before you enter heaven."" The first guy thinks for a second and says ""I wish I could spend eternity as a good looking man."" and so god changes him into a good looking m

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Three men die, and go to the pearly gates... St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: ""You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."" The man says: ""I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."" St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin. The second

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A velociraptor on long island... I made this up the other day. I don't have high hopes but what the hell: One day a velociraptor moved to Long Island. He was sick of life in the jungle and decided to try new things. Walking down the street one day, the velociraptor noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign resting on a diner window. Thinking that he should try his hand at small talk with the locals, the velociraptor went in and inquired about the job. The old man that owned the diner immediately took a likin

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Three men are stranded on a remote island and get captured by cannibals The chief tells the three men, ""Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here."" The three men go off into the woods. The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, ""Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound.

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