Religion Jokes

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar... The bartender says, ""What is this? Some kind of joke?""

Fart football. A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, ""Seven Points."" His wife rolls over and says, ""What in the world was that?"" The old man replied, ""It's fart football."" A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ""Touchdown, tie score."" After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ""Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."" Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, ""Touchdown, tie score…

Two nuns are out riding their bicycles.. Two nuns are out in the countryside riding ow their bicycles. The first nun suggested that they take a shortcut. A few minutes later the second one says: ""I've never come this way before."" The first one replies: ""Oh, I guess it must be the cobblestones.""

Late Night A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, ""Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."" The first guy replies, ""I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."" The guy agrees to try th…

I saw a church's sign say ""God is my Facebook."" Does that mean two men can poke each other on God?

a priest and a golfer are playing golf... On the first hole, the priest gets a hole in one. The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too. He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole. ""Damn it! I missed!"" yells the golfer. ""Sir, if you say that one more time, God will strike you down."" warns the priest. They keep playing and soon the golfer forgets the priests warning. On the 18th hole, the priest gets another hole-in-one. Naturally…

A drunk, homeless man enters a bar And orders drinks for all his buddies and one for the barkeep. Afterwards the barkeep tells the man,"" That'll be $45."" He then learns the man is broke. The barkeep roughs him up and throws him out on his face. A few nights later the man comes in again and orders drinks for all his buddies but not the barkeep. "" What no drink for me this time?"" asks the barkeep. The man exclaims, ""Hell no you get violent when you drink!!"".

The three holes So a straggler is making his way across the land when he comes across a farm. Needing a place to sleep, he begs the farmer to let him stay the night. The farmer agrees, and tells him to bunk up in the barn out back. In the barn, the straggler meets another man who is staying in the barn. He tells the straggler that if he gets lonely there are three holes over there in the wall that he can stick his pecker in. But the man warns him to only use the first two. So late that night, th…

The Stuttering Bible Salesman A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman and was introducing himself to his new co-workers. It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun of him. ""How did you manage to sell that many Bibles in a week?"", they all asked the stuttering salesman. …

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies... His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in,"" says the man. ""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hel…

The Pope visits Las Vegas The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news houn…

Hell of a driver A young man approaches a bus stop to find an older gentleman man sitting down and just facing forward. ""Hell..of...a... driver..."" says the older gent. The young man doesn't think much of it. A few minutes pass and again the man blurts out ""Hell of a driver!"" Perplexed, the young man turns the older man and asks ""Is everything ok?"" The man turns and proceeds to tell him ""It was no more than an hour ago. I'm sitting here and I see this massive mass of a woman in a rusty pi…

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley and the rising river begins to threaten homes, including that of a local preacher. When water floods into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, ""Let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."" The preacher replies, ""No, thank you, I am a righteous man who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."" Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the p…

A drunkard is walking down the street... ...when a Nun, dressed in her habit, comes towards him from the other direction. As the Nun is about to pass the drunkard, he steps back, and takes a massive swing at her head, knocking her to the ground. Not quite done yet, the drunkard lays a couple of kicks into the Nun while she's on the floor, leaving her sobbing in the fetal position. The drunkard, finally finished with his assault, looks down at her and says, ""Not so tough now, are you Batman!""

Shit, I missed! A sailor is getting drunk in a bar. Every time he finishes a drink he takes the bottle and throws it at the trash. Naturally Because he's drunk he keeps missing. Every time he misses he yells ""shit, I misses."" he does this a couple times, when a priest turns around and says ""you should really stop swearing or god will punish you."" the drunk ignores him and does it again. ""Shit, I missed. The priest tells him ""if you swear one more time god WILL punish you."" the drunk ignor…

Cinderella really wants to go to the ball but she has her period. Her fairy godmother tells her that it's no problem and conjures her up a tampon from one of the pumpkins in the garden. ""Be careful,"" the fairy godmother tells Cinderella, ""like everything else tonight, that tampon will turn back into its original form at midnight."" Warily, Cinderella accepts the pumpkin tampon and goes on her way. The fairy godmother waits around for Cinderella. Midnight comes and goes and Cinderella has stil…

A Priest and a Jamaican man are on a plane... ..and as they're taking off, the pilot says over the intercom ""folks, I have something to tell you. I cannot fly the plane if someone passes gas; if someone does, I'll pass out and the plane will crash."" So halfway through the flight, the plane noses forward and goes into a dive. And the Jamaican stands up and screams ""Who passed de gas?"" The priest says ""how did you know?"" And the Jamaican answers ""de scent!"" ...I'll show myself out

One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers... ...when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, ""Listen, you've been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant any wish you'd like."" The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. ""As you know, God,"" he says, ""I'm very attached to my country of origin. And one …

A priests a Rabbi and a Minister are in a coffee shop... ...They start comparing the powers of their religion. They decide to test themselves by agreeing that they will all go into the woods to convert a bear and meet back in a week. A week passes and the priest and minister arrive first. The priest says that he converted a bear by showing him the miracle of communion. The minister said that he converted another bear by showing him the holy Scripture and reading from it. They wait a long time fo…

Appropriate for Election Season A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. ""Ah,"" says St. Peter, ""then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the two weeks, you may decide where you would likes to spend the rest of eternity."" So the man goes first to heaven. Everyone sits around peacefully strumming their harps a…

The miser's will A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him. After the funeral, the three were talking, and the doctor said ""I have a confession to make. I didn't actually put all the money in the coffin -- it seemed like such a waste. I kept out $200,000 to buy some new equipment…

A priest comes into a bar. Wait, no it was a choirboy. So priest comes into a choirboy.

Father O'Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over ... Father O'Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over. ""What have you been drinking?"" asked the cop. ""Only water,"" replied the priest. ""Then what's that next to you?"" said the policeman, pointing to the half-empty bottle of pinot noir in the passenger seat. ""Good Lord!"" said Father O'Brien. ""He's done it again!"" ^[[source]](http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/cheers_e…

When I get Tired.. I read this and laugh like hell. Must see if you are exhausted I always look for a way to chill out after working for hours in front of my computer..and I never get bored reading the same lines I'm sharing here I smile each and every time..read,refresh and back to work! Enjoy... ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _________________ ATTOR…