Religion Jokes

Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants...ah hell, I'll just skip to the booze.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS] GOD: a rat dog ANGEL: check GOD: that whispers to white people ANGEL: what? GOD: about the weather ANGEL:

*sees guy ordering pizza* "With onion" (Ok) "Sausage" (Nice) "Mushroom" (Hell yea) "Chk" (Plz) "Meatballs" (Why) "Anchovies" (Ur dead to me)

[lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]

I don't think none of Christopher Nolan's ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

Ladies I'll drive you crazy with my tongue *Never shuts the hell up*

Me: Excuse me Father, what's the Wifi password? Priest: We're in Church! Me: Oh I'm sorry. What's the Wifi password, Amen.

I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been.

Instagram now has video! I'm going to film the hell out of this salad!

When the priest says "Body of Christ" I say "Thanks, I've been working out." Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea

I like my women how I like my microwaved food. Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

It's rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that's exactly what's going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

Advent calendars are fun if you ignore that every day is a new, fresh hell waiting to be survived.

If your ringtone is my alarm sound, you can go straight to hell

"How much for this melted ghost?" Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the "strong orphans."

My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

"Lord, can I have a pony?" Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now. ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open? GOD: ...

[God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How...Ok.

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee