Religion Jokes

[Ancient Egypt job centre] - Name? "Ankhesenamun" - How do you spell that? "Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest"

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I'm walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.

Can I get an amen? AMEN! Can I get a b-men? BMEN! Can I get a c-men? CME--*the whole church laughs*

(Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Please just wear the strap-on. It was a gift from Grandma and she wants to see you in it, OK? Come ON church starts in like half an hour.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

[At Wedding] Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife? Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND Priest: TOO LATE. YOU'RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time. Dragon: This is the last time. Unicorn: Hell yeah! Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle. Hell. No.

"What did you do?" "Genocide. You?" "I shared a 10 Funniest Autocorrect FAILS on Facebook." - Conversations in Hell

"I hope they bought enough beer so they won't notice how much I'm drinking" -My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell] BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with? ME: a kiss? B: don't do that

If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

Driving back from funeral yesterday: Stairway To Heaven *click* Tears In Heaven *click* Highway To Hell *click* Macarena! *leaves it*

Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don't know how much she charges him though

I wasn't kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.

religious? why yes i'm very religious, i'm always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

Stuck in church. Everyone's singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". Damn, My son has some stupid friends.

God: I call it a Caterpillar Angel: What is it? God: A worm with feet Angel: You're really out of ideas huh? God: Then it grows wings

My idea of Hell would be Carrot Top and Shaun White taking turns sneezing in my face.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

*Rains pennies from heaven* *coins decimate the land [terrified scream] 'CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!'