Religion Jokes

Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.

Me: "Bless me father, it's been 13,505 days since my last confession." Priest: "You're off to a bad start."

Preacher: God's love is unconditional! Me: Then why is there a hell? Preacher:...... Me: Your move.

The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I just saw two guys high five. What the hell? I thought we got rid of these people.

God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty. Devil: I made potato chips.

In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.

I like to stare at a Priest & say "You wore that same outfit last week" so he thinks I go to church every week & knows I'm on to his shit.

[Chumbawumba concert] I get knocked down, but I get up again.. [whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd] "Aw hell yeah!"

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving.

Most populated places in the world: 1. China 2. India 3. United States 4. Indonesia 5. Friend Zone 6. Hell

How the hell wizards don't set fire to themselves, I'll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We [pug walks by] GOD: What...the HELL...is that

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

"Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil's avocado sometimes" Teacher: devil's advocate? Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me...I don't know man. I think you're gonna have a bad time

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred? . . . . . The top ans was . . . . . GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Strange that the Bible has no bibliography.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days. Me: hmmm Satan: well? Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Maybe Jehovah's Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they're looking for Heaven's Door. You don't know.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned Priest: Get out of my house M: But it's a big sin P: *sigh* Speak child M: I broke into your house