Religion Jokes

[*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?" Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."

My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn't there is writing about it.

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

[thinks about me petting a very cool dog] me: oh hell yea

what the hell does my dog have to sigh about

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I'm charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..

The greatest trick the devil ever played was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

{Date} ME: I have to warn you, I'm the jealous type WAITER: What would you folks like? HER: I'll have the s- ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

[God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

Church is one of the few places you get on your knees BEFORE a guy gives you wine.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo ANGEL: But they live on land GOD: Yep ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u GOD: Not a bit

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.

"Oh holy shit, what the hell is this!" -people who request songs on the radio discovering the internet for the first time

I bet Hitler & the guy who invented the car alarm belong to a book club together in hell.

[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today

"It's a bird! It's a plane!" - my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope's tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I'm not going to heaven because I'm afraid of heights.

The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs! *puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water* *water turns into wine* Thank u Jesus

[pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?