Religion Jokes

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

*at the confessional Priest: .'..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?' Me: 'You mean, like, ever?'

[praying in church] Please God let church end early

[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there

[creating foxes] GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail ANGEL: ok... GOD: and make it sneaky ANGEL: you sure? GOD: yeah... real sneaky

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

*writes on wall in ketchup* THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED Boss: What the hell are you doing? Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

[Cretaceous Period] T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier... DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha's weird but ok 1 sec

[using ouija board] R2...L2....L1....R2...LEFT...DOWN... "what the hell?" [everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

In hell, you have to find the start to Scotch Tape over and over.

I'm drunk & I want a TV Special called "Wizard Fight" where David Copperfield, David Blaine and Cris Angel try to make each other disappear.

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard? Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

I've been texting random numbers "hey are we taking salvia before or after church?"

*bursts into church* DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN ... Undertaker: "This is a funeral" ... OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

I'm the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.

'Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

My cat's tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I'm scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.

News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It's official, a nun is getting more action than me.

[Opens hand sanitiser] SUbmiT YoUr SOuL tO EternAL HeLL fiRe [closes lid] wtf? [looks at label] LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

GOD: They scared enough? ANGEL: Not yet GOD: You got Trump running? ANGEL: Yup GOD: Hurricane? ANGEL: Yup GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

Just made a deal with the devil. I got a PS2, half a box of white wine and an autographed photo of George Bush in exchange for my Kia Soul.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.