Religion Jokes

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope's all quitty! - Nuns N' Moses (I'm so sorry)

God: u can ask me 1 question me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop God: [later] devil: welcome to hell

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians...should I be concerned with my safety when I'm up in Heaven?

It's cute to think of a nun saving up her nun allowance and then buying a cross or extra bible or something.

Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me

How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."

I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that's a lot of weed.

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?

I think I'll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.

"Challlaaaaaah" -hip hop rabbi

Scared the hell out of a stranger by sayin' "good morning" to 'em. That's a thing people used to do. Google it

PASTOR: and the lord said unto uscan u stop please? it's very distracting ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don't think he said that

Im sorry I yelled "GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE" when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn't be married

i'm not "cute" awkward. i'm "what the hell is wrong with you" awkward.

PREACHER: any prayer requests? 3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

I was pretty sure I've been dead and in hell for the past three hours until I was informed the air conditioner isn't working.

People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.

Old Navy commercials give us a glimpse of Hell

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated. -Well whoever did this must be pretty....crafty. -Go to hell sir.