Religion Jokes

[First day as a superhero] Oh hell yeah! *sees a crime happening* Already? Ok... *the bad guy looks really mean* Umm, I'll get the next one

"Are you there, God? It's me, well, you've probably never heard of me cuz I'm like really underground & shit." -- Hipster prayer

In Hell, you're surrounded by people saying 'suposably' and 'irregardless.'

Goes to church to find God's love. Friendzoned.

Yo son, do you like nachos? "Hell yeah!" *son goes in for high 5* That's good, 'cause I'm nacho real dad *rejects high 5* You're adopted lol

I like to think my father is looking down from heaven and smiling, but he's actually at an Indian casino with his new wife.

She's got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won't quit. Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I'm in.

Shout out to all the sassy receptionists out there. I won't even go near businesses that don't have sassy as hell receptionists.

Dear Abby, My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words "In Him" Help! Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

"7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

What's white & falls from the sky? "The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

"exorcise" and "exercise" sound alike because they're both the work of the Devil

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

This autographed Bible isn't authentic, unless Je$u$ is actually how he signed his name.

summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell

Oh man almost forgot the trash *takes trash out, a nice little sushi place* This is great *sees wife there with the recycling* WHAT THE HELL

Seriously, if you hacked Trump's account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

*i put two straws in my drink* gf: awhh :) me: hell ya double barrel *i use both straws*

Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

Hell is just going to be you on a conference call waiting for the 8th guy to dial in for all eternity.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.