Religion Jokes

If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

[walks up to guys playing basketball] "mind if I join?" you any good? Hell yeah I'm good. Toss me the orange sphere

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?

I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date

According to old paintings, there's mad titties in heaven.

long-term plan is to let my debt build into the millions and when I die have a golden tombstone that says COME COLLECT IT IN HELL, TAX MAN

The sign said: FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH, but I doubt it.

The Bible is subtitled "Shit My God Says".

"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons? 4yr: I need to wee! Me: With balloons?! 4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

I don't always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.

Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.

Just been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.

People should be able to spell arbitrary however the hell they want to.

[exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

"pew, pew, pew!" -me, pointing out seating options in a church

Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo? Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.

Noah's Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer