Religion Jokes

Me: I'm going across the street to get a beer. Priest: You can't bring a beer in here. This is a church. Me: I can if it's in my stomach.

He's an owl with an attitude. She's a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC's new hit 'Birds of Pray'!

The internet is the devil sitting on the right shoulder of a man who suffers from insomnia, whispering in his ear "you will never sleep".

if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions

I think Sarah Jessica Parker quit the church when the minister giggled & said, "Let us bray."

Guy in USA:(phone) you ready? Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah Both:123 *each drop a piece of bread onto ground* Both: EARTH SANDWICH!

Me: I've read the Bible cover to cover Her: Yeah? Prove it. M: How? H: What is the first sentence in it? M: "Do not remove from motel"

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs. Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

Wait, so pooping on the entire rim of a toilet, closing the seat over it, and calling it a "Devil's Oreo" ISN'T a thing?

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I'm way too clingy, so the exorcism didn't work.

Veterinarian- You're here to discuss your dog's salivation? Me- No. My dog's a good dog, he'll go to Heaven! I'm here about his slobbering.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I said "Hell no. I don't want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home."

"We met in church." Lies we tell kids.

Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

Him: let's play a game of rhyme. I'll go first. Romantic Me: Panic Him: Fun Me: Run Him: love Me: shove Him: this isn't going well. Me: hell

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned... Priest texting me back: I already told you, I'm not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work. I was married for 6 years.

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it