Religion Jokes

My Grandma's church was odd in that they worshipped paintings. Very weird. Every week they would stand up and sing "How Great Thou Art"

"I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo" -oh, u drive a school bus? "LMAO Hell no! I'm a drug smuggler u nerd"

[soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!

On your way to hell, there will be a 6-year-old pushing a shopping cart one foot behind you.

Can't be an atheist after getting in a subway car with no a/c because u now know hell is real

GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends! ANTS: Hooray! ANGEL: Ok next creation ... The anteater. ANTS: The what now?

If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't at work anymore.

According to movie trailers, 98% of white kids are possessed by the devil.

My wife doesn't believe that auto correct changed "Yes dear" to "Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am."

To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

Justin Bieber was "Baptized" last night.... Or as the church likes to call it... "A failed attempt to drown Bieber"

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

[doorbell] "Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?" "You have cookies?" "No, sir I-" "Come back when you have cookies." *closes door*

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible's first recorded STD.

Holy Communion: PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it " ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

In hell, your socks are always wet

i know i'm getting old because i'm grumpy, i sleep early, and the devil appears with an empty hourglass whenever i shut my medicine cabinet

[in hell] Me: *sneeze* The devil: bless you Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool the devil: DAMN YOU Me, floating back to hell: dang

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away

My hell is a giant Bath & Body Works store ...where all the women answer yes/no questions with "stories".

*Pearly Gates St. Peter: No way! Me as angel: It's the rules! SP: But the drugs and sweari- M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN! Snoop: Fo' Shizzle.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I'm so pissed right now I'm going to open a can of... what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?