"WHAT THE HELL? WHERE'S THE OTHER, SMALLER VERSION OF THIS PERSON?"--Russian surgeon's 1st time cutting a patient open

Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado

DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me