Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.

Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.

You know you were a fat baby.., When the doctor had to get the jaws of life to remove you from your mother.