Religion Jokes

Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

In heaven there is never a line at Chipotle.

I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.

"yo Adam, Eve, don't eat from that tree ok?" "Why God?" "CUZ I INSTALLED THIS SWEET BURGER KING BRO" "AW HELL YEAH" *God & Adam chest bump*

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

GOD: Done. ANGEL: What is it? GOD: A penguin. ANGEL: So it can fly, right? GOD: This one's a swimmin' bird. ANGEL: Dude... are you ok?

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

HEY GUYS I'M AT NXNE! WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?

The Bible wouldn't sound so preachy if every commandment was followed by the word "dude."

yo here's a cool name: "Wolf Blitzer." Damn that's cool as hell. Let's give it to the lamest nerd imaginable.

Sorry I moaned seductively while eating a Gogurt at your bible study group.

"You'll have more fun in high school, Zach."nn"You'll have more fun in college, Zach."nn"You'll have more fun in Hell, Zach."

Watching The Bible. Didn't realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.

*exorcism* DEMON: *roars* PRIEST: we must restrain him! WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs* PRIEST: ... DEMON: hey now

Do zombies go to heaven when they die? I hope so. There's lots of nice people up there to eat.

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission. Who the hell is 'Foreclosure'?

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it's my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it's in the Bible.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

[priest bends over my coffin seductively revealing a thong to the entire funeral]

*God provides manna from heaven* "Is there gluten in this?"

Another Sunday at Gym Church w/ Pastor Pumpz. We sang "My Bod is an Awesome Bod", "Bod is Great Bod is Good", and "Be Thou My Protein"

Torturer: I will break you Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness? Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.