Religion Jokes

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He's going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no

There's probably a whole circle in hell that's just full of guys beatboxing.

[breakfast in hell] STALIN: Toast is burnt POL POT: Eggs are rotten HITLER: I hate the juice STALIN: Oh here we go HITLER: I said JUICE

*jumps out of plane* *begins reading parachute instruction manual* STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE *looks up* Well hell

It'll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it's 100% bc they didn't brush their teeth. they're nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect

I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats

Learning how to say "where the hell am I?" in eight languages. Just in case.

I just got an email offering "free bible verses". You know, because who can afford bible verses?

"Liquor in the front, poker in the back" is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church's charity poker team... I know that now.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

A Jewish man has a son... ...and he is very disappointed in his son's lack of interest in their faith. So he decides to send his son to Israel to learn a thing or two about Judaism. When the son returns, the father asks ""did you have a good trip?"" ""So great, Dad. I learned so much, saw some great historical landmarks, and even learned some Hebrew!"" The father was quite pleased. Then the son said ""and I also became a Christian!"" The father, being quite distraught, decided he needed some gui…

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand... After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying copies made from still more copies. ""If someone made a mistake,"" he points out. ""It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made."" A bit startled, the priest decides he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey.…

Beers for me brothers So, there's a man in a small Irish village who comes to a local pub at least once a week. When he came around, he would always order three beers and sit and drink all three before leaving. One day a new patron came into the bar and while sitting at the bar noticed the man order three beers. Out of curiosity, the patron asked him, ""'Scuse me mate. I notice you ordered three beers and drink all three yer self. Why is that?"" And the man said, ""Well me and my two brothers us…

The Engineer Towards the end of the French revolution many people lost their heads to the guillotine. One day a politician, a priest, and an engineer were to be executed. The politician was first. The executioner asked him: ""Do you have any last words?"" to which the man replied, ""I regret nothing."" The executioner lowered the man's head into the guillotine and released the blade. It fell swiftly but suddenly jams and stopped just inches from reaching the politician's neck. There was a rule w…

Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him ""How many times have you cheated on your wife?"" to which the man replies ""Never."" Then with a snap of his fingers a lamborghini murcielago appears on the road beyond the n…

Three guys survive a plane crash Both pilots and a passenger. They find themselves stranded in a dense unknown jungle. After hours of searching for some sort of help or civilization the ground starts to rumble. In panic they run through the vegetation but it's no use. A huge monstrous cyclops rushes from behind them and scoops them up. With a sinister voice he says "" I am king of this forest, ruler of pain and conquer of death. If you wish to escape you must complete a challenge. Each of you mu…

A Jewish guy goes into a Catholic confession box... ""Father O'Malley,"" he says, ""my name is Emil Cohen. I'm 78 years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."" ""My good man,"" says the priest, ""I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"" And the guy goes: ""I'm telling everybody!""

Gerald Ford goes to hell When Gerald Ford died, he found himself in hell, which puzzled him greatly. ""How is it that I'm in hell?"" He wondered, ""I was a good Christian, I was faithful to my wife and country, never stole, lied or cheated...yet here I am."" While he was pondering this, he felt a tap on his shoulder, and he turned to see Richard Nixon, saying ""Pardon me, Gerald..."" With that, he knew why he was in hell.

Saddam's Ghost Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie whom he had found as a child. ""You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"" ""No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?"" ""Yes it did, but..."" ""You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?"" ""And this too, came true, however..."" ""And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn't you?"" ""Y…