Religion Jokes

Dyslexic devil worshipper Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who soul his sold to santa?

Argon walks into a bar... The barman says ""Get the hell out!"" Argon doesn't react.

Whats the difference between a Priest and Acne? *Acne waits until you're a teen to come on your face* ^^^^^^^^^^edit^^^^^^^^^^, ^^^^^^^^^^grammar

A priest is painting the outside of his church... He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out: ""Repaint, and thin no more.""

A man goes to hell And he meets the devil. The devil tells him that he can pick his way to be tortured there. So they go to the first door. There was a man getting stabbed. The man said ""I think ill pass"". The devil takes him to a second door. In here there was a guy just running around on fire. The man says ""no I don't want this either. So the devil takes him to a third door. In this room there's a girl giving a guy head. The man says ""yes I want this"". The devil replies "" are you shure""…

So there is an Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Greek... ...and they are standing before Satan and the entrance to Hell. Satan says he will give them all one more chance to live and then possibly go to heaven, but at the first sign of sin, the will be sent back to Hell. So they are all sent back to Earth. They are walking down a street, when they see a pub. The Irishman says ""Ah well, one beer can't hurt!"" So he goes in, orders a Guinness, and takes a sip: *POOF!* The Irishman disappears. The Scots…

Priest and a rabbi in a car accident A priest and a rabbi have a fender-bender in the middle of an intersection. They get out to survey the damage, and the rabbi turns to the priest and says, ""You know, this is a pretty trivial event, all things considered. I've got some Manischewitz in the car -- how about you and I drink to the friendship between our two faiths?"" The priest readily agrees, and takes a big swig from the bottle the rabbi offers. Then the rabbi puts the cork back in and tosses …

A blind man goes sky-diving. A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about. So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orientation, goes up in the plane and jumps. The dive goes great; no complications during the descent and a safe landing, where a reporter is waiting to interview the man after a see…

A husband and wife go into a pet store... The husband tells his wife that for her birthday present, the wife can pick out any animal in the store. She takes her time looking at all the different cats, dogs, guinea pigs etc., and isn't particularly fond of any of them. She eventually sees this large frog in the far corner of the store and immediately falls in love with it and tells her husband, ""I have to have this frog."" So the husband and wife bring it up to the cashier. Before cashing them o…

A small neighborhood was flooded... ...so much to the point that the rooftops were the only dry place. Vince and Frank were seated on one roof, waiting for rescue, when suddenly, out of one of the houses, they observe a floating hat. It drifts over to a shed nearby and then drifts back to the front of the house. Bubbles started bursting near the hat, and then it then moved in a circular pattern where the circles got smaller and smaller (like a spiral) until it hit the center of what would be the…

Don't ask... So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, ""Momma, what's a purple donut?"" She then gets this wild look in her eye an grabs a bat and begins to vigorously beat the boy. She yells, ""Get your ass to school, when you get home your going to the cellar!"" So he walks to school. He has a bloody no…

The truth You'll never see a church with free wifi. I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works

KKK Pastor An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, ""Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."" No one moved. The preacher continued, ""Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forg…

The distance between heaven and hell... New research shows that the distance between heaven and hell is closer than we previous thought. It only takes 3 cm in the wrong direction for a woman to go ""Oh my God!"" to ""WHAT THE HELL!""

Little Boy Prayer A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, ""we say a prayer before eating in our house!"" The little boy replies, ""yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!""

Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. I asked ""How the hell did you do that""? ""The car rolled on it"".

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other. The wolf turns to the moose and says ""Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"" The moose says ""Yeah, I guess you're right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never …

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. He says, ""So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"" She says, ""Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."" The priest says, ""Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"" She says, ""That he did, Father."" The priest says, ""What did he ask, Mary?"" She says, ""He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun...""

Two drunks were walking home... They were walking along the railroad tracks when one says, ""Wow, there's a hell of a lot of steps here!"" Then the second drunk replies, ""I'll tell you whats worse, this hand rail is bloody low too!""

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates... Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake. The preacher as…

A prisoner got out of his cell. Warden : Close all the exits. after 10 minutes the prisoner escaped Warden : How the hell did he escaped? Guard : He went through the entrance.

A racist truck-driver [not for you bleeding-hearts] A racist truck driver is driving down a lonesome, desert road. On the horizon he sees the outline of a hitch-hiker. Getting closer he can see that the man is Mexican. He starts to pull over, but at the last second, he guns the engine and runs the man over. After some time, he sees another hitch-hiker- this time it's a catholic priest. Being a man of faith, the driver pulls over and gives the holy man a lift. The two continue down the road. Afte…

My daughter came up to me and said ""daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?"" I replied ""well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven."" ""That means mummy nearly died this morning!"" She said, I asked ""how?"" ""well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming ""Jesus I'm coming!"" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her.""

A man is driving down a road then he runs out of gas and stops at a monk temple. They say he can stay the night. Half way during the night the man hears a noise and wakes up. He walks down a long hallway still hearing the noise. He approached a large door and just before he tried to enter the room where the noise was coming from a monk stopped him and said you are not allowed in there because you're not a monk. Many years later the man still wonder what that enchanting sound was. So he went back…

A mechanic just recently died ... and not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. Well, while in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell. While wandering, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at, fixing things. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being constantly maintained and improved by the mechanic. Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic as Hell is suppo…