Religion Jokes

*kneels to pray* "Hello, God?" "YOU'VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT." "Who is this?" "MY NAME IS BRAD." "Are you in Heaven, Brad?" "NO, INDIA."

- If any person believes that these 2 shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or... - THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT! - Ugh, I do.

[Heaven] Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You're here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL Me: Too soon...

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend* WILL YOU MARRY ME *2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later* HELL NO

JESUS: heaven... must be missing an angel ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet JESUS: hehe ME: hehe JESUS: time to send u back ME: wait no what

GOD: I've created donuts ANGEL: ooh they're yummy but why the hole? GOD: ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: because they are holy GOD: because they are holy

1) "Obamas spying on you."2) "Eh. Cost of being free!"1) "Obama wants to give you healthcare."2) "WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?"

Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."

I just mixed peanut butter and Nutella together in case anyone's curious why I've suddenly started attending church.

Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith

[my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

[tweets about one side of an issue to my followers who all agree with me already] hell yes I'm making a difference

I didn't have to shower alone today..... Related.......why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I'm saying stuff like "bloody hell" and "brilliant"

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"

My idea of Hell would be Ben Affleck reading me a sushi menu in his "Boston guy" voice.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

I don't think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name "Lamb of God" is misleading.

I wasn't going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

I'm going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I'll also bring a horse.

It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says "youre going to hell". The bum yells "Damn, Im on the wrong bus" ! :D

Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?

I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.