Holiday Jokes

In germany there are lots of jokes about the polish, so... What did Piotr get for christmas? ... Your iPod!

A Blonde Jokes Two blondes (let's call them Tina and Julie) are talking. Tina: Did you know this New Year is on friday? Julie: OMG, I hope it's not on the 13th.

Please notify if repost. (first) A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying ""Happy Thanksgiving!"" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying ""Merry Christmas!"" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. ""My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving.""

Racist Jokes So guys lets hear some racist jokes, any race is welcome xD What did God say when he made a black guy? Oh shit I burnt one. Why are black guy's palms and the bottom of their feet white? They were assuming the position when God spray painted them. Whats the difference between a black guy and a bike? A bike won't start singing when you put chains on it. Whats the diference between a dead black guy in the road and a dead dog? There's skid marks before the dog. What do you call a bunch …

So three priests are having lunch... and the first priests complains about having bats in his bell tower. ""They just moved in and I can't seem to be able to get them to leave."" The second priest chirps up with the same problem. ""I've had them for 2 years now and nothing I do makes any difference."" Finaly the third priests speaks up after a big bite of his lunch. ""Ya, I use to have that problem too."" ""How did you get rid of them?"" ""I baptized them; now the only come around for Christmas …

Turns out there is no Easter today, they found the body.

Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said ""Mary, who created the Earth as we know it""? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed ""Oh good Lord""! ""Good job""! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary ""Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?"". Th…

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke. Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him. ""See here, old fellow,"" said Jesus kindly, ""this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be…

The present A Young man called John wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrod's and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves. The sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two item…

A close call. A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says ""one of these days you're going to shit your guts out"". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says ""one day you will shit you're guts out"" One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. H…

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

True story at a funeral. This is a story rather than a joke, but there's a funny part. This probably belongs in r/funny but I'm posting it here because in my reddit experience, those folks have a very narrow sense of humor (Leno/Foxworthy type stuff) - and I wanted to give a bit of a laugh to people. I also apologize to more sensitive readers because this is a story relating to my father's death. I'm not looking to bum anyone out, just pass on a funny that happened during a really bad time, that…

Two brothers on Christmas day So there are two brothers, Jimmy and Timmy They both run down stairs to see what Santa had brought them The presents are divided into two piles, with Jimmy's pile being larger Jimmy say, "" Haha, my pile is bigger!"" Then Timmy says,"" Well, atleast I don't have cancer.""

Gonna get my girlfriend a pickaxe for Valentine's Day. Because she's a Minor

Flatulence problem... **Okay, so I usually post my own jokes, but I thought i'd switch it up with one of my faves that's not written by me:** There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning he told…

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

My new year's resolution is... ...running at 1680 x 1050

Knock knock joke I came up with over Christmas Knock knock Who's there? Would you like to talk about Jesus?

For Christmas, my wife wanted something that would go from zero to 160 in 4 seconds So I bought her a new scale.

You better not. I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher. Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said ""Man, I sure wish I could do that!"" The other guy said, ""You better not- that dog will bite you!""

New Years Resolutions I've decided on a few attainable resolutions... * put on some weight * exercise less * watch some TV, play some computer games * procrastinate (maybe I'll do that later)

My new years resolutions are: 1: Stop making lists. B: Be more consistent. 7: Learn to count.

It's Christmas morning and... Jimmy, 15, and Jeffy, his 6 year old brother, come downstairs to find the tree loaded with presents. Jeffy runs up to the tree and starts ripping the paper off of gifts. ""Oh boy, I got a football! Oh boy, I got a Playstation! Oh boy, I got a new bike! Oh boy, I got an iPad!"" Meanwhile, Jimmy finds the one box with his name on it and opens it to find socks and underwear. ""Ha ha!"" Jeffy laughs, ""I got all this cool stuff and all you get is socks and underwear! Ha…

Why do Mexican families make tamales on Christmas Eve? So the kids have something to unwrap on Christmas morning.

Christmas in Heaven Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something that represented ""Christmas"". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The third man answer…