Holiday Jokes

I'm starting to be careful about drink driving now Christmas isn't far away. In fact last night i left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I'm quite proud of myself, i'd never driven a bus before.

What did the deaf, dumb, blind orphan get for Christmas? *Cancer!*

A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . . Written by my twelve-year-old brother: Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? A: Separatists and small pox.

After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey... ...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

The usher in church greets one of their members... and says ""Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"" The member says,""I am in the Lord's army"". The usher asked,""Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"" The member leaned over and whispered,""I'm in the Secret Service.""

Bomb the babies and.... Thanksgiving political conversation: Me: well what would you rather spend the money on, giving babies diapers or dropping bombs? Uncle Morris: we have enough for both. Bomb the babies and give the terrorists diapers.

For Halloween, I'm going out as ""gay wedding"" ... ... it seems that billions of people are scared of it!

Top Ten Things At Halloween That Sound Dirty But Aren't TOP TEN THINGS AT HALLOWEEN THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T She's a goblin! I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch If you just lick it, it'll last longer. Let me see your big sack! Can I eat your Zagnuts? Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth. You scared me stiff! He's got Candy spread out on the living room flo…

Halloween puns and bad one-liners Throw em at me! > What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people? Ghoul-Aid > What's a ghosts favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet > Why did Dracula go to the doctor? Because he was coffin

Halloween Joke A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible be…

Halloween Costume A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: *Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. *The man thinks this is terrib…

Good News For Pedophiles Halloween is here, so you can stop being so secretive about giving small children free candy.

Why is Halloween one of the most popular holidays in West Virginia? It gives them an opportunity to *pump-kin*.

3 Men are at heaven's gate St peter says to the first one, ""You can enter heaven if you can tell me the real meaning of Easter"". The man responds, ""That's when Santa brings toys to all the good girls and boys"". St. peter responds, ""No, that's not even the right holiday. You can't get into heaven."" St. peter turns to the second man and asks the same question. The man responds, ""That's when the Easter bunny gives painted eggs to the kids."" St peter responds, ""That has nothing to do with t…

Personal Question On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said ""Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"" ""Yes, I do,"" she replied, ""but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."" ""Okay,"" he said. ""How many men have you slept with?"" ""That's my business!"" she snapped. ""Oh cool!"" he said. ""How much?""

A good bar joke that always makes women laugh Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He l…

Arnold Schwarzenegger wakes up on easter morning...

How many mistakes can you find in this joke? So I was link surfing when I stopped to read this joke. Not only is it an awful joke, it's full of mistakes... which makes it funny(er). ------------ On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. '…

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.

Christmas tradition.

I like my Thanksgiving turkey like I like my own ass On the dining room table, with my family gathered round, and with my grandmum's fists in it pulling out the stuffing.

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter.

What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says ""I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."" 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer"" the father says. ""We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."" Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the p…

Trump's statement regarding China Trump: ""In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors all across the country will be plastered with red notices and the empty streets will reek of lingering gunpowder. The people, with nothing to do will turn to day-lon…