Holiday Jokes

A letter to my friend, Tim So I was writing a letter to my best friend and pen-pal, Tim. I'd forgotten to send the letter earlier, and it would not find him until after Christmas. So in the letter, I said: ""Better late than NEVER! :)"" Thanks, like and upvote

Christmas in rural America I live in rural America. On Christmas morning occasionally I will hear gun shots in the distance. This means one of two things: 1) Someone got a new gun for Christmas 2) Someone didn't

My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

A joke my Pastor told during the sermon today Two brothers are staying overnight at their Grandma's house. The Grandma says, ""Now, don't forget to say your prayers before you go to bed tonight!"" So they both get ready for bed and are sitting in the bedroom. Kneeling beside the bed, the older brother then begins to pray, ""Dear God, I wish I could get a new bike for Christmas."" Hearing this, the younger brother yells out MUCH louder, ""DEAR GOD, I ALSO WANT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS."" The olde…

What do Jewish kids say to their Christian friends at Christmas? Sorry we killed your saviour, can we play with his new toys.

On the topic of George Michael... I guess you could say it was his ""Last Christmas"". Too soon?

It's Christmas and I'm alone (again), Reddit. Tell me something funny Well, I have my dog at least. Fire some shit away!

Who knew George Michael's ""Last Christmas""... was about the coroner?

Christmas Day accident Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H. His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!

What is Hitler's least favourite Christmas song? All I Want From Christmas Is Jew

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away... ...feels like it was just yesterday. *HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

At the beach (When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time. Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...) Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for clams. We had a nice spot picked out for a bake later in the evening. But as it started to get dark, we had to head back, with no clams at all. On the way, we saw a food vendor set up in the sand,…

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid. St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa. Just go there, get married and you're done.

I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.

Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas? Because it's Boxing Day!

My drug dealer just bought me a new pair of sneakers for Christmas I can't tell what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

A woman is taken to court... The judge asks, ""What were you charged for?"" The women replied, ""Doing my Christmas shopping too early."" When the judge asked her how early, she said, ""Before the store opened.""

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple

Once upon a time, squirrels terrorized a small church in Massachusetts Nothing the townspeople did could stop them. The squirrels disrupted church services and everybody was on edge during church, what with the constant running and biting and chewing on personal belongings. They tried traps, poison, releasing cats into the aisles, but to no avail. The squirrels tripped the traps without getting caught, avoided the poison, and scared away all the cats. The old pastor of the local church moved awa…

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread

A Medieval Town had a Rat Infestation... ....and after the local government had wasted money on cons and charlatans, the council decided that they would take advice from the elders of the three main town religions. They first summoned the Pastor... and he said let's have a massive one night hunt and we will capture them and drown them all in river. They didn't think it was feasible so they summoned the Rabbi. The Rabbi said let's make an unheard of amount of poisoned cheese and leave it all over…

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

[OC/Longgg] (Experimental Christmas Poem) - ""Santa's Big Fat Sack is Coming""    Santa's Big Fat Sack is coming! Down the Lane and through the Dell. Santa's Big Fat Sack is coming, Know this Tale and Hark thee well.    Santa's Sack is glistening Red From the Tension of its Presents. Every Girl and Boy awaits - Tensely squirming for Its Presence.    Santa's Big Fat Sack is coming, Shoving down your Chimney Hole. Haunting you in every Househol…

My girlfriend walked in on me putting on a condom. She said, ""What are you doing?"" I said, ""Wrapping your Christmas present!""

What song do you sing if you're not a fan of Christmas? Sigh-lent night