Holiday Jokes

What do redditors give one another on Christmas? Gifs.

I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year Roll on 2017

TIFU by taking a man into my home. I really need to vent. I'm just so sick of people, I can't believe it. I have had enough!!!! I'll never help anyone again......EVER!! I'm just DONE with people! Yesterday, I decided to take a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for the guy. Poor thing was standing out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! NOTHING! Oh, and the last straw?!?! The realiz…

I know this is r/jokes, but I have to share this with someone. I'm about to go and see the bank manager and my life will change forever. I'll finally have the money to take my kids abroad, buy my wife that car she's always wanted and have plenty left over to enjoy Christmas. I'm talking *millions* here, guys. I can't contain my excitement, in fact, I'm so hyped up, I can barely fit this stocking over my head.

2017 New Years Resolution First step: write down the resolu

Hey darling, what would you like for Christmas? ""Oh... I don't know... maybe something that gets from 0 to 100 in seconds when I step on it?"" ""So... bathroom scales?""

Real or fake I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big. I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked, ""Excuse me, sorry if I'm being rude, but... are those real or fake?"" Strangely, she didn't seem surprised at all, she just smiled and said, ""You know, I get asked that a lot. You're probabl…

A Health and Safety Christmas Message Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before…

A little boy was writing letters to Santa. He was coming from a poor family and had little so he was sending letters every week to Santa asking for a bicycle and a chocolate. Of course the letters were arriving to the postal office but they wouldn't had where to send them since Santa doesn't exist. Since the letters were pilling the women that were working at the postal office opened the letters and read them , they were struck by this kid situation and started to feel bad for him so in the good…

Christmas lights remind me of my friends. They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

I asked for a new gaming console for Christmas, instead I got some torn up cardboard, I asked why ""I thought you asked for an ex-box?""

Today I asked the gamer what his new year's resolution is. He said ""1920 x 1200""

I am not racist, I am colourblind when it comes to other peoples skin tones. **Amy**: I am not racist, I am colourblind when it comes to other peoples skin tones! **Steve**: Then why did you say that black people shouldn't be able to get christmas presents as we do? **Amy**: Black isn't a colour. Edit: Some people didnt finish school or something. >Black is not a color; a black object absorbs all the colors of the visible spectrum and reflects none of them to the eyes. The grey area about bla…

Why does Father Christmas come down the chimney? It helps him slide down with ease,

All feminine hygiene products now on sale for HALF PRICE But hurry - it's just for the Christmas period.

This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas... I think this time, we should let them in...

Dear Santa, Last year you gave me a sweater for Christmas. This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.

Two rednecks, Joe and Bubba went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees. They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Bubba finally said, ""Joe, I'm takin the next tree we come to, wether it has lights on it or not!""

A couple of months before Christmas, a boy found out what he wanted from Santa... Excited, Little Tommy wrote a letter to Santa, saying: > Dear Santa, > I want a brother for Christmas! > From, Tommy. A couple of weeks later, Tommy got a letter back from Santa: > Dear Tommy, > Send me your mother.

George Michael has been accused of organ trafficking It turns out Last Christmas, someone gave him their heart

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls.

If Billy Joel made a Christmas movie, what would it be called? Miracle On 52nd Street

A man enters a pun competition [X-post r/feghoot] I posted this on r/feghoot a few days ago. It's a sub with ridiculously long jokes that have puns at the end, but I thought r/jokes might like it too This man really needed some money over Christmas to buy his family some presents. So of course he was over the moon when he found out his local newspaper was running a pun competition. Now this man, being a dad, loved dad jokes and especially puns, and as all dads do, thought his puns were the best.…

If you like Christmas so much why don't you merry it?

Help! I need a communist christmas one liner! Going to a Christmas party with a communist christmas sweater. Need a good one liner... help!