Holiday Jokes

For Halloween What do you call a lycanthrope with no sense of direction? A were-am-I-wolf What did the mummy say at the end of his embalming? That's a wrap Has anyone stopped to consider that The Creature From the Black Lagoon is just the victim of an oil well accident?

What is Benedict Cumberbatch going as for Halloween? Benedict Pumpkinpatch

Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party? He didn't have the guts

For Halloween, I've decided to go as the scariest thing I could think of Hillary J. Trump

Bee Movie came out nine years ago today. Seinfeld had been off the air nine years when Bee Movie came out. Seinfeld was on the air for nine seasons... And this Halloween weekend, since he can get away with it, Jerry is dressing as Hitler just so he can scream ""NINE! NINE! NINE!""

Halloween ... The agoraphobic paedophiles favourite day of the year.

I'm going to be a clown for Halloween. So I can finally get shot.

I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year... But after Trump's comment, I think I'm gonna get grabbed a lot

Need some really rude inappropriate Christmas themed jokes to put inside Christmas Crackers Hey! Don't know if it's just a UK thing, but we pull crackers and inside there is usually a crap toy, paper hat and really poor Christmas joke. I'm wanting to switch out the poor jokes with some shocking rude Christmas jokes as a prank... Do your worst!

Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security... Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!

Halloween election Year 2026: ""Dad, tell me a spooky halloween story."" ""Once upon a time there was an old man who wore a jack-o-lantern over his head so he would always be frowning to express that he never made enough money to satisfy his greed. Everyone made jokes about how he looked like an orange smurf with fake hair. He did not care. He liked the color orange bigly. One day he was attending a golf match and noticed a beautiful woman at the clubhouse. He cornered her, pressed his lips agai…

Saying Goodbye to Mother You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she alway…

I go to the gym religiously Christmas, and maybe Easter

Donald Trump is like a Halloween pumpkin... Orange, full of slime, evil grin, and thrown out in early November.

What's the difference between me and Christmas? My wife isn't disappointed when Christmas comes early.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask? The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

I'm not sure which super villain I want to be for Halloween yet Right now it's between The Joker and the white privileged male.

Our family never could afford much nice for Christmas... So one year I told my mom ""I just want something I can play with."" She said ok, went to the local thrift store to find me something, got me a good old used pair of overalls about my size and cut me a hole in the right pocket.

A Daring Vacationer is walking through a graveyard on Halloween When all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it's coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, ""Ludwig Van Beethoven."" Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grav…

Dreams. After she woke up, a woman told her husband, ""I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"" ""You'll know tonight,"" he said. That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened itto find a book entitled: ""The Meaning of Dreams.""

Haven't seen this one in long enough Guy goes to a bar and gets 3 shots on christmas every year. Bartender asks why. He says he has 2 brothers in different countries and they all go to a bar on christmas and get 3 shots and drink on behalf of eachother. One year he comes and orders 2 shots. The bartender saddened by this asks the man if one of his brothers have passed away. The man replied ""no, i just quit drinking.""

Halloween is a great time for comedy Because skeleton jokes are always humerus

If all the animals on the equator were capable of flattering Then halloween and thanksgiving would fall on the same day

I'm thinking of going as a pimp for Halloween. Anybody know how the CEO of Wells Fargo dresses?

What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin? The pumpkin is bright.