Holiday Jokes

I'm going as president Obama for Halloween this year. I'll tell you you're getting different candy, but it will be the same candy from last year.

Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door

I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day? November thirst.

Great Halloween costume idea! I just went through my closet and found my ex's clothes. Does anyone want to be a raging bitch for Halloween?

Christmas Cop On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, ""Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"" The kid says, ""Yeah."" The cop says, ""Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."" The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and says, ""By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"" Humoring the kid,…

I love giving kisses to little children on Halloween.. I don't know but they love that candy

One Dark Halloween Night........ Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. ""Holy cow, Mister,"" one of them said after catching his breath, ""You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghos…

joke of the day Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing. -

A nun hails a taxi cab... ...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, ""my son, can I help you with something?"" He says, ""sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun"". She replies, ""Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long as you are a good Catholic and not married"". He says, ""I go to mass every chance I get and I have not met 'the one' yet"". So they pull over and escape to a dark alley…

3 blokes died on christmas eve they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said ""sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you"" so he said to the scotsman ""what have you got?"" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell"" ""in to heaven you go my son"" he looked at the Englishman and said ""what have you got"" so he fiddled around and come out with a cigarette lighter and lit it, and st peter s…

I was listening to ""Club Tropicana"" today... ... And it dawned on me. It's been ages since a heard a Wham! song. Come to think of it, it must have been Last Christmas.

An Irish monastery takes a vow of silence... The monks agree to let a single monk speak one sentence each year, on Easter. Father O'donnel was the first year, he spoke: ""I think the potatoes are too lumpy."" On the second year Father Kennedy spoke at Easter: ""I think the potatoes are just right."" On the third year of the unbroken vow of silence, Father Murphy was chosen to speak on Easter. He spoke: ""I think that there's too much talk about the potatoes.""

For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern. She's our little pun-kin.

A Russian couple was walking down the streets of Saint Petersburg on Christmas Eve And they felt a slight precipitation on their heads. ""I think its raining"" says the man ""No its snowing"" says the woman ""How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!"" The man exclaims. ""Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"" ""Definitely raining"" he said before walking away. The man turns to his wife and says with a smile. ""See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!""

For Halloween, my neighbor put up a Wolverine themed scarecrow. And it's terrifying my daughter. I guess she is claw-straw-phobic...

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But, if roses were called ""herpes"" they'd make terrible Valentine's Day gifts.

What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pumpkin ~told by my dad

Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. ""I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"" ""What is it?"" The others ask. ""A brand new Mercedes!"" ""Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!"" Said one of the others. ""What is it?"" The first guy asks. ""A brand new Porsche!"" ""You guys are pathetic."" Said the third guy. ""The present I've bought goes from 0 to 100 i…

10 YO MAMA Jokes - Wich one is your favorite? 1) Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C! 2) Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, ""We cant fix it."" 3) Yo Mamma So Fat, Dora Can't Explore Her. 4) Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it. 5) Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing. 6) Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food. 7) Your mama is so ugly, that sh…

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, ""I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."" Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs a…

What's the pedophiles favorite holiday? Christmas. Because you can dress up like Santa Claus, and get free lap dances for a whole week.

20 Things to do Before You Die... 1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout ""OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"" 2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.' 3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away. 4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now. 5) Point at someone and shou…

With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween! Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy! Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner

What did Jamal get for Christmas? Your Bike