Holiday Jokes

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve... A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. ""I think it's raining,"" says the man. ""No, it's snowing,"" replies the woman. ""How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!"" exclaims the main. ""Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing? ""Definitely raining,"" Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. ""See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, …

Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

'Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and I'm out of breath I've been in the kitchen all day, cooking up meth.

The Peanut Gallery Somewhere back in the era of grainy black-and-white TV, there was a Saturday kid's show called ""Riddle Griddle."" It was hosted by Jimmy Valentine, who is now in the Minnesota Broadcasting Hall of Fame. The show had bleachers where the kids sat, like the ""Peanut Galleries"" of Mickey Mouse and Howdy Doody. The kids brought a riddle to the show and Valentine, who loved riddles, would try to solve them. If he failed, the kid got some sort of little prize. So, one Saturday, thi…

So I guess it's going to be ham for Thanksgiving lulz. cause no more Turkey

Knock-knock! Who's there? Centipede. Centipede who? Centipede under the Christmas tree.

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m. It's a decent resolution.

Holiday Heavyweights The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. ""You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,"" a customer said to the checker. ""How can you stay so pleasant?"" ""We can all count our blessings,"" the clerk replied. ""The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July.""

Little Sally was on a swing. She fell off. Why? Because she had no hands. Why didn't she get up? Because she had no legs, either. Why did noone help her? Because she had no friends. What did Little Sally get for Christmas? Gloves... JK. She couldn't even open the box. What did she get for her second Christmas? Cancer. What did she get for her third Christmas? Funearl rites. What were Little Sally's parents looking for after Little Sally's death? Someone to hold the funearl. What was the last thi…

Donald Trump was interviewed for his list of favorite things. Q: What's your favorite Disney movie? A: Snow White Q: What's your favorite song? A: White Light, White Heat Q: What's your favorite Christmas song? A: White Christmas Q: What's your favorite rock band? A: White Snake Q: What's your favorite movie in general? A: Black Mass Q: That's an interesting break from the pattern. What's it about? A: A guy named Whitey Bulger. Q: (forehead slap)

Who did the philosophy major ask out for the Halloween dance? Nobody. He was too 'Freud.

Poor Grandma I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water. I shouted, ""Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"" She replied, ""I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

Happy new year! Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust? Easy Bake Ovens

Someone asked me, ""How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?"" I responded with, ""How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you?""

Bush Jr, and his take on words The only reason Bush Jr attacked Iraq,,, is because Bush Sr. asked for ""a tie rack"" for Christmas!

I told my parents I wanted a panda for christmas. all I got was a white x6

I'm so poor that for Christmas my mom cut a hole in my pants so I would have something to play with.

What do you call a place monks go for Halloween? A monascary

Tesla Car Driving Grandmother to Family Christmas. 12 Hours Later...: Pulls up into the family home dead with the children yelling ""Grandma's here! Grandma's here!""

Help refine this joke? > You hear about the court case against Santa? Broke a chimney on the way down, had to cancel Christmas. That's what we call clause and effect. Been stewing on this punchline for awhile, this was my best attempt at turning it into a joke. Would appreciate feedback/assistance in fleshing it out :P

The 3 men who didn't go to church So three men didn't go to church. When asked why they never did, they said they knew everything. So the pastor came and asked the 3 men to prove they knew everything. ""Oh so you think you know everything, well tell me what Easter celebrates."" So the first man says ""oh I know, it's when Jesus went to the field and picked the pumpkin"" The pastor yells at the first man and says to the 2nd to prove he knew everything So the 2nd man says ""oh yes, it's when Jesus…

How do you make Halloween great again? By carving a Trumpkin

Social Media IRL I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following metwo police officers and a psychi…

(Series) A tabloid hires a retired MMA fighter to write the headlines in an effort to save copy space. Story: Speech impairment expert delights patient with early Christmas fancy dress. Headline: Sanda! Story: Suzanne Mcfamousinourtown dumped on wedding day by Israeli lover. Headline: Jiu-jitsu! Story: farmers set to start multi-storey farming with staple vegetables in new trials. Headline: High karate! Story: Japanese furniture and bakery store to open as competition to Swedish giants. Headline…