Holiday Jokes

If they can't ruin the holiday one way they'll find another My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem. But now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

Xperia M2 dual my sony xperia m2, hanging so much after updating this new year, even when using facebook and making a call, any one faced this problem

My girlfriend is like Christmas.. Only comes once a year.

I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year. Roll on 2016.

My Doctor says I need to start exercising religiously. So now I hit the gym on Christmas and Easter.

Why do dyslexic children get nothing for Christmas? They are writing to Satan.

Cemetery help. My wife & I recently bought a house. To get pretty much anywhere, the main road from our neighborhood goes through a giant cemetery. Now, a week before we bought the house, - on Thanksgiving morning - my wife gave birth to our first child - a boy (side note, I wouldn't recommend having a baby & buying a house in the same week if you value your sanity). Every time we're in the car together and drive through the cemetery, I now feel the awesome responsibility of fatherhood a…

Guess who? A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ""Love"" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. ""I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"" ""But why?"" asks the man. ""I'm a divorce lawyer.""

I am a bit disappointed by the slow cooker I got for Christmas I was hoping for a fast maid

We ... One beautiful December evening, Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting, overlooking the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said, ""Hey, let's play Weeweechu."" ""Oh no, not now, let's just look at the moon"" said Jung Lee. ""Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. ""I love you and this is the perfect time,"" Huan Cho begged. ""But I'd rather just hold your hand and watch the moon,"" Jung Lee said. ""Please, Jung Lee, just once, play Weeweechu with me."…

Christmas One day Dan asks Bob, ""So Bob what did you get for Christmas?"" Then Bob says to Dan, ""Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?"" Dan says, ""OOOOH WOW!!!"" Bob says, ""Ya, I got the same exact color tie!""

I'm so sick of this new year's jokes I've been hearing them all year.

Saying the right thing, at the right time Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red ros…

HAPPY NEW YEAR letter to mods AAEEHNPPRWYY

What did the Italian man who was feeling under the weather say when asked if he was attending the office Christmas party? No, I'm a Sikh.

My new year's resolution... 2K, and 16 extra pixels.

Probably wrong sub but whatever who gives a shit, we're all wasted! (Hello mods) Happy New Years Fu*kers! You guys making my life so much bearable! All the best for 2016, and I hope your enemies perished in 2015, if not then buy them a beer (who knows they might actually get friendly(

My resolution for the new year is... 1080p

I was arrested at a New Year's party last night I'm sorry, but when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your fight or flight instincts kick in...

Jenny McCarthy was wearing a jacket and gloves in Time Square on New Years Eve. I didn't know she believes in the theory of weather.

I was told a good joke at a New Year party... Hillary Clinton

My New Year's resolution is to stop telling Dad jokes, shouldn't be that hard, I never joke about my father.

My New Year's Resolution is to start smoking I already smoke and am trying to stop; this way I guarantee I'll have quit by mid-February

Before Midnight on New Years Eve, I raised my Left Foot off the Ground So I could be sure to start 2016 on the right foot