Holiday Jokes

What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party? A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.

Good news for insomniacs Only three more sleeps til Christmas!

I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.

I have 2 sons and a daughter... Jaxson Adam, Benjamin Noah, and Naomi Brook My father in law was telling me about his idea for Christmas presents this year. Benjamin gets a Benjamin ($100). Jaxson gets 5 Jacksons. Naomi gets nothing..... ....because she is brook.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

What do you call a redhead [NSFW] ...in an interracial gangbang? Red Riding Hood Happy Halloween.

A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently the answer is Chicken. (Edit: Typo)

I personally think that Halloween should be moved To November 8 (it'll be more scary)

I feel like putting on a shirt with a huge dot and going trick or treating the day after Halloween to scare people. Cause then I'd be a late period.

Chris Brown dressed as Deadpool for Halloween and won a costume contest. The runner up was a girl dressed like Rihanna, but he beat her.

I like my coffee how I like my women.... Ground up and in the freezer. Edit - happy Halloween!

Theres 365 days until halloween and people ALREADY have their decorations up.

A man goes to his girlfriend's parents house for Thanksgiving. Hes really nervous. This is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas. Now, sitting there watching tv in the family room isn't bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud and of course their big old dog Harold is licking his balls and Everyone can hear that. It's not bad, because he can sit there and fart into the couch. No one hears a thing…

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams…

Douce! The sound of a water balloon hitting a ""Trick Or Treater"" square in the face. Now try and have a Happy Halloween.

What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump-Kin Yes, I've posted this before, but Halloween is upon us.

What did the SJW do for Halloween? Went trigger-treating.

A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party. The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says ""what the hell"" and the husband replies ""well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator""

I forgot to wear my Halloween costume to work. I was gonna go as the Invisible Deaf Mute Man.

Why did the young ghost leave the party? Everyone started drinking boo's. ^^^Happy ^^^Halloween!

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question... The chicken came first.

What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas? Cancer.

Last night for Halloween, I saw exactly 12 people dressed like Eleven. I know this because after the 9th 11, I swore I'd never forget.

I love Halloween It's the only time of the year I'm not questioned for giving out sweets to small children.

I wanted to be a feminist for Halloween... ...but a fat suit is out of my budget.