Holiday Jokes

So my father-in-law asked me to give the Christmas prayer... Apparently Ezekiel 25:17 is ""inappropriate""

A little girl asks her mom, ""Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?"" Her mom replies, ""Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.""

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, ""They're…

How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas? he raps his presents

My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room But I said no way that's overkill. So we compromised and now there's a Christmas tree in every room.

Was driving home earlier and I saw all the christmas lights up and I was a little sad because, those lights are expensive, and there are homeless people everywhere. They'd look so much more festive wearing those lights.

Money is really tight this year... My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.

Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station? It is a day to be tankful.

Marriage is like Thanksgiving dinner You can make it last, but it gets a little worse every day.

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment? They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

How to trigger a liberal... Mention ""Indians"" around Thanksgiving time.

My Thanksgiving, in math √-1 ——   8

A woman became tired of her husband farting in the bed... she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, l…

What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music? One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.

Imagine if the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey... Then we'd all get a little ass for thanksgiving.

A deeply religious man is on a cruise ship... All of a sudden, a loud crashing sound is heard, and the ship begins to sink. Everyone runs to the lifeboats and begins escaping the ship. The man however, stays on the ship. All the life boats are gonna but one. A woman is heard yelling ""Quick! Get on the boat! There's room for only one more!"" The man replies ""No thank you madam, God will save me."" The lifeboat departs, and everyone is gone but this man. Minutes later, a fishing boat approaches …

A Native American scolded me for celebrating Thanksgiving, a celebration of slaughter So I said, ""you're right, it's awful what they've done to the turkeys all these years.""

Double Whammy So about a year and a half ago, I started dating a girl who loved to hear me play guitar. Her name was Alice, and probably her favorite song I played was Barracuda, and she was really into 80s music and culture. I really liked this girl and wanted to get serious, so I decided I wanted to get her something special for Christmas. I don't own any music on vinyl, except I did have the album Bad Animals by Heart (who wrote Barracuda), so I decided to give it to her. Cue Christmas day, w…

I'm officially unsubscribing from r/Jokes I'm sick of all the dumb puns, I'm quitting cold turkey Happy Thanksgiving people

What do you call a fat relative around Halloween? A plump-kin

The tale of Thanksgiving. It's that time of year, so raise a cheer, here's to drinking beer and shooting deer. Here's to friends who are sincere and friends who will endear. When others appear we give them a leer, but not so severe that they leave out of fear. We send pioneers to explore the frontier, and they return bearing a spear as a souvenir, taken from those who'd dare interfere. For we are the ones who domineer this northern hemisphere, and their land is ours to commandeer. So we send buc…

Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving? All the coats are on the bed!

Thanksgiving is here, and I love trigonometry sorry, I went off on a tangent.

We're celebrating Thanksgiving the old fashioned way at my place this year By inviting our neighbors over to eat and then killing them and taking their land

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says (-1)/8