Holiday Jokes

What types of trees never get Christmas presents? Knotty Pines.

On Christmas morning I want to eat Eggs Benedict out of a hubcap. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

A man walks into a pet shop He'd like to buy a pet for his lonely, widowed mother. The shop owner shows him all of the usual stuff, hamsters, puppies, kittens, etc. and the man tells the owner that he's looking for something unique. The owner takes him to the back of the shop and introduces him to raggedy looking parrot named Chet. The man, rightfully so, is unimpressed with the parrot until the shop owner tells him that the bird sings Christmas carols. The owner explains that all the man has to…

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater ,for this year I would prefer a squirter or a moaner .

I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy said, ""Are you gonna put it up yourself?"" I said, ""No, I was thinking the living room.""

A terrorist walks into a Christmas party Just kidding. He drove.

One cold winter morning, during the Christmas season, a mailman was doing his route. As he was delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a house and realized that they had so much mail that it wouldn't fit in the box, so he decided to knock on the door. As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman stood staring at him. The mailman said ""I'm sorry for bothering you, but I couldn't get all your mail into your box, so here it is."" The woman looked at him and said, ""Why don't you come i…

Me: ""Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"" Boss: ""It's May."" Me: ""Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?""

I tried wrapping Christmas presents.. But I just didn't have the gift

How to wash a cat 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this! 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Powe…

Every year I work my ass off to get the kids what they want for Christmas but then That fat bearded bastard gets all the credit. Mind you, It's my fault I married her.

Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas? Turkey... Too soon?

Why did Santa start the Christmas tradition? Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone: Santa: ""Have you been naughty? ....That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ..... I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?.... Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) ... I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top. "" Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie…

Last year for Easter, we got these cool egg decorating kits, with markers, stickers, stencils etc. I was trying to do an elaborate floral pattern on my eggs, but the stencil kept slipping. I got reeeeally distraught. More distraught than I had any right to be. But no matter how much I concentrated, I couldn't get the stencil to stay in the right place. I was having an eggs n' stencil crisis.

My Christmas tree is on a timer It lights up everyday at 4:20

Knock Knock. Christmas. Who's there? Oops, looks like Christmas came early this year.

Me on New Year's Day: 2016 is so going to be my year! (Morgan Freeman narration): 2016 would not, in fact, be anyone's year.

I told my Chinese friend that I like homemade gifts.... So for Christmas he gave me an iPhone, iPad and an iMac.

This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas? It's a cover version.

A boy opens up his presents under the Christmas tree With disappointment he exclaims, ""Santa sucks he didn't get me the Xbox I wanted instead he got me a stupid sweater."" Father:""Now, now son, you should feel lucky to have that sweater. There are kids around the world who need that sweater more than they need than the Xbox I accidentally sent out.""

How do you make an Chocolat omelette? With Easter eggs.

Dad, is Santa real? There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has a…