Holiday Jokes

Happy New Year Reddit! Just Kidding you really came for my cake day! Happy 1 Year Reddit

Happy New year America! from your friend Australia. Don't worry I expect it'll take about 18 or so hours for you to get this.

Stay safe out there on New Years Eve Who am I kidding, I'm talking to Redditors.

Happy New Year! If I intentionally or unintentionally hurt you in any way during 2016, just know that I'm really sorry. I'm really grateful to have you in my life and just know that I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Again, Happy Rickro-umm-New Year. PS: I know it's a dead meme but so are all of us, on the inside, that is.

What do you get a body builder for Christmas? A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this! Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.

(NEW YEARS) what did the rabbi say on New year's. ""f#ck that, happy **Jew** years!!""

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

I have to work new years eve. But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.

What did the tv get for Christmas? Replaced

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in a few seconds for christmas So I bought her a nice sports car.

I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break. Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. ""I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"" the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, ""Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."" ""No, but Grandma is!"" the little brother replied

Happy new year everyone! Sorry, I'm a premature congratulator.

How come there are like a thousand songs about Christmas but only one song about the boys being back in town? This is not original

I hadn't heard any news about George Michael for nearly a year... And then Wham! Last Christmas.

I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

Christmas heart good intention avoided disaster In Starbucks, waiting for my wife to finish getting her Christmas massage. Yes, I'm such a great husband. In fact, I'm also a great person. I noticed a guy without food or drink sitting in a chair near the entrance. He had a shaved head, shabby clothes, and while looking a little suspicious, I had some unexpected compassion for him. Why would I consider him when I only wanted to fuel up on caffeine and social media? By the look of this guy, I assum…

I put the Christmas tree in our bed. Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.

I'll be buying me some more condoms after this New Years Eve! My old ones expire.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited…

I got the most classic, timeless Christmas present this year A broken watch

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, But the very next day, I had heart failure.

What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.