Holiday Jokes

My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.

*at Thanksgiving dinner* Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole. Everyone: *gasp* Me: Just kidding you all are.

"Honey, remember our first date?" "Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?" "No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."

"Are you the ghost of Christmas past?" - what I ask a person with a flip phone.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift... ] Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands! "Toilet paper?!"

I figure that its safe to ask. How are those New Year's resolutions going?

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with "What did you do?".

Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with "LOL" is "a representation of everything that is wrong with me."

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer* "Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!" "Sir, we don't accept children." *runs away*

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas* *puts it on a squirrel*

Happy Valentine's Day! So what's everyone doing with their cats tonight??

Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

If you just got invited to do something on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile] awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.