Holiday Jokes

Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.

Just been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.

You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.

After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.

"Bitches ain't shit" - Saint Valentine's last words.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

Call me crazy but "dropping the ball" does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man's endeavors.

Thanksgiving was like the last supper for the Indians.

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

Mariah Carey seems like the type to sing all she wants for Christmas is you, but when you don't get her anything she throws a huge hissy fit

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

What do slutty nurses go as for Halloween?

I'm going as "Twitter Elite" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.

"I'm not drunk, I'm a zombie..." ~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years' hobo costume to dress up as this year's federal employee.

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween...I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween? Dog: Sure, put it on Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas. Neighbor: Nice. I got- Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you're getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

My jeans say "no more Christmas goodies" but my leggings are like "we got you, gurrrl"