Holiday Jokes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas Boss: it's May Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.

[Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.

*kid opens Easter egg* *egg begins beeping* "Dad why's it ticking" SON NO THAT'S FROM THE- *egg explodes* *sheds tear* Middle-Easter bunny

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present - They are due back at the library tomorrow.

Kids here's a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

I'm a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off And that's when I realized it was a cop car

My nephew asked, 'Do you have a New Years hangover today?' I said, 'No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking'.

1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.

Easter is almost here. So to celebrate, I'm going to get nailed and hammered like Jesus would want me to.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV's "Dinosaurs" were all different species of dinosaur

all i want for christmas this year is to get off all social media forever

Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there.

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky I'll show myself out.

Sorry! Just saw these texts now! Hope your birthday party, Christmas and wedding were great!

Next on a SPOOKY Friends: Ross invites new girl to Halloween party but Rachel shows up! WITCH one will he choose? Phoebe dies of dysentery.

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.

December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.

I can't believe it's Christmas eve eve eve and they're making me work.

People who decorate their cars for Christmas are in serious need of help.

Who wants to dress up as a battery and make Halloween come early this year? I'll be Halloween.