Holiday Jokes

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?! In the grass.. So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?! [all the children] Grass?? Yessssss.

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine's Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

I think my Christmas Tree is a male. It keeps bragging about its "trunk size."

The Easter Bunny doesn't always drink, but when he does it's hopscotch.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head] "What are you supposed to be?" ME: I'm not wearing a costume

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that's one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

"Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don't even worry about buying the bow.

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween, I'm guessing it's because they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

dad: You're sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving me: Why? dad: What's a fuse? me: Uh dad: Who's SpongeBob's best friend? me: Patr- oh

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

I can't believe other countries are allowed to celebrate the New Year before America. Some superpower we turned out to be.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

happy easter everybody! remember it's not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last Christmas'

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I've created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing Please, I have a family

Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart. "I'll be beethoven!" Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be? "I'LL BE BACH."

Christmas decorating 101 - Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations Your move Martha Stewart

Cashier: Will that be all? Me: No. I'm getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I've got so far.