Holiday Jokes

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye." Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

*stands up and screams* "PICTURES OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" *gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

This salad tastes like I'm about done with my New Year's Resolution.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

"You'll be visited by 3 ghosts." "Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?" "No, they'll try to eat you." Pac-Man Christmas Carol

[answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

"Oh great. Another puppy." - Sarah McLachlan's friends at Christmas

"..so that's the story of Christmas. Questions?" Where do turtledoves come from? "Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other.."

*aliens land on Thanksgiving* *me showing them around* "We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish" Aliens: Savages

Me: I can't believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year! Fridge: I don't feel well. I think I have a fever.

if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too

UPDATE: This year's most popular Halloween costume will be Slutty Chilean Miner.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone knew, you were still out shopping, yes, it sucks to be you.

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex box I'll never know.

I couldn't put it off any longer, at the mall to shop for Christmas presents. Christ, what was I thinking... I came here sober.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

FUN FACT: Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music...

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a "ghost" and end up as a "drunk ghost that needs a ride home."

Its thanksgiving, and I am thankful for my dog, my boobies, and my life. Happy thanksgiving to you and your boobies.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Buys valentine. Writes "I love you" inside. Mails card to self. Receives card in mail. Reads card. "Eww, why do I attract losers?"

"Last Christmas" is a strange song. It's been 12 months and we're just now addressing this situation?