If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Happy Valentine's Day!! If you don't have that perfect someone in your life, you are worthless. Die.