Holiday Jokes

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever. I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.

[Halloween] Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume! 14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I'M SHEET-FACED.

Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Not having a date on Valentine's Day doesn't really worry me... It's those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.

Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don't send me a fruitcake. Already got one.

You look so perfect standing there, In my American Apparel underwear, But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

my new year resolution is 1080p thanks please make this go viral so my ex gf stephanie sees it steph if ur reading this please take me back

[Thanksgiving] ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas DAD: say please ME: hey dad will ya pass the please DAD: *tears up so hard*

Fun Fact: Valentine's Day was created by a woman than didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.

GF's friend didn't keep my Valentine's gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.

I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.

I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

I reply to "Happy New Year" with "not if I have anything to do with it."

My OCD requires me to slit the throats of people who sing Christmas songs to themselves out loud in quiet workplaces. The Cops understand.

Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas

You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

ladies: the day after Halloween, don't forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile

My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

My New Year's resolution is to stop eating so much candy, so I can focus more on cookies.

Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i'm not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.