Holiday Jokes

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that's still in your mouth, You're going as a pirate for Halloween.

Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

If my girl didn't want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Misery loves company, and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Let's make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I'll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him

Sunday is Easter, Hitler's birthday, the Columbine anniversary, and weed Christmas. Your move, greeting card section.

Before you send that mass "Merry Christmas!" text don't.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we're all white.

We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.

For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see "50 Shades". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I wouldn't call it 'passive aggressive', but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I'll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

[Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*

We save a lot of money on Halloween costumes by having naturally ugly children.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they're in my house, they're everywhere, please come get your snake.

911: What's your emer- She said don't get her anything for Valentine's Day! 911: And you didn't? No! 911: Placing you in protective custody.

Some people don't believe in New Year resolutions. Like everyone in this McDonald's drive thru.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving "costume" party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Why don't you make like a tree & get slammed into by my drunk uncle on Halloween 97 why didnt you call a cab Uncle Gary we miss you so much

New Years Resolutions: 1. Lose weight 2. Volunteer work 3. Lie about 1 and 2