Holiday Jokes

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS? Me watching recorded TV shows

[At the first thanksgiving] Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us Natives: we didnt give you land? Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

How much longer? Did you bring any snacks? They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet? - me watching my kids Christmas pageant

For Halloween I'm just gonna talk shit to complete strangers and go as the internet.

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

CHRISTMAS TIP: When your kid starts asking questions about whether Santa is real, just tell him to shut up.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list. Love, -Tim

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Chasing away everyone who's ever tried to get close to you is a great way to save money on Christmas shopping.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. "Is that good?" No one will make eye contact with me.

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren't really going to use that ice pick you're carrying around.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Everyone's like "the things I want for Christmas can't be bought." And I'm like "Legos. I want legos."

My wife just sent me a text " I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)" .....I hope she misspelled Xbox

My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.