Holiday Jokes

The thing I most look forward to after Christmas is taking down the decorations and, for 4 minutes, it feeling like I live in a mansion.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning? GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL: what

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.

I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "This time I'm serious"

"I'm dreaming about mashed potatoes" Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow "No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual"

Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

*sets trap* *snares the Easter Bunny* *pats his head* *lets him go* What?!?...What did you think I was going to do, you savages.

Happy Valentine's Day!! If you don't have that perfect someone in your life, you are worthless. Die.

Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Boss: Where were you on Friday? Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

VALENTINE'S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they're eating dinner.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid's Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don't have candy in them.

I scream, You scream, We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow's family Easter egg hunts.

bill nye is short for william new years eve

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops

'I've been a very naughty girl!' she said, licking her lips, 'I need to be punished . . .' So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".

Best Christmas ever. We decided to go to the casino for the day. Happy Birthday Jesus. No whammies.