Holiday Jokes

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.

Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They're asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.

Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let's be realistic lol

*hands you baby* Here's your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn't come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

him: what do u wanna be? me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan's Valentine.

Running into someone from high school that got fat is better than Christmas.

Friend showed me all the pics taken from the drone he got for Christmas, so I won't be renting the cottage on their farm after all.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.

I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

"Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you're gonna need reservations." -Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.

My new year's resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.

Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising.

My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.

"Easter?" HERE "Thanksgiving?" HERE "Christmas?" PRESENT

Aaanndd I've just been peed on. Were I Tila Tequila I'd have met 1 of my New Years resolutions before the clock had even struck midnight

UPDATE: This year's least popular Halloween candy was, as always, Reese's Feces.

I can't think of a better time to drop dead than at a New Year's Eve party right after everyone yells "...1!"

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"

Asked my 65yo mom what she'd like for Christmas and she said "Surprise me". Hope she likes her new pet python.

You know social media has gone too far when all your Christmas presents have twitter integration. Sent from my ugly sweater.

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on 'Once Upon A Christmas'? Isn't that a form of cannibalism?

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders. I'm so sorry