Holiday Jokes

This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine's Day so I guess I'll stay home with the kids.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said "You're the Obi Wan for me" and that's the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Someone with a knife exactly like the one I'm holding in my hand ruined my neighbor's inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad

I don't understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal. I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That's not very Thanksgiving-y. ME: Well, it's about family...

People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.

Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving so I'm bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

I don't know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Denied candy because I "didn't wear red". Kicked out of the office because I "didn't wear pants". I'm tired of these Valentine's Day rules.

For Christmas this year I'm going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

"Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'." - study conducted using Christmas newsletters

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

For Halloween I'm giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids'll be shaving away and then BAM - nougat everywhere.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

This kid who wants 'two front teeth' for Christmas is full of shit.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Here you go, Merry Christmas! "Dad, why'd you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?" Because I wanted to make- Mom: NO DON'T My presents felt