Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

CHRISTMAS TIP: When your kid starts asking questions about whether Santa is real, just tell him to shut up.

One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.