Holiday Jokes

I didn't send Christmas cards this year, what with the economy and all. Mostly I'm just lazy, but blaming the economy is so much more fun.

I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)

[christmas lights are being put up] Every moth ever: oh hell yeah

For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

need a last minute valentine's day gift for that special lady? why not give her the timeless gift of my phone number

First "gay" now "glee." Are you guys going to take every synonym for "happy" or leave us one or two Christmas carols kids don't giggle at?

Starting now, every hour, on the hour, walk up to a stranger and slip the tongue in. Because it's midnight somewhere. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart} Old Lady: Your son is adorable 4 yr. old: *running down aisles* Me: Mam' My son died 10 years ago.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.

cnt wait to dress up as a windmill for halloween its never a bad time to teach ppl about renewable energy sources lmao

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

want a brand new identity when you go back to school? why not change your name to 'Bird Christmas' or 'Crisp Terdass'

Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone "what are you supposed to be?" without triggering an existential crisis.

For once my family is going to have a Happy Thanksgiving. This year I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.

Of course I don't put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That's just silly. She gets a stocking.

*steps on Lego* *stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos* *throws all Legos away* *Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

rroses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

I want minions for Christmas.

"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.

The Chinese New Year sure is a lot less ryanseacresty.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

"How about... we change the 6 to a 7?" "I love it!" --board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year's Eve

Mom: Why can't you be successful like your brother? Amazon: heh Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons! Thanksgiving at the Primes